reflecting

When my journey to freedom began I wrote in my journal, words from a broken heart, words that held hope and purpose.  When I read these words I can feel the determination, the moment where I felt the power in my hands to release, to simply let go, and move forward.

I have the freedom to live in my skin, to live fully and beautifully.  I am not a mistake, an accident, a mess, a flaw, a disaster, a pile of filthy rags.  I am wonderfully planned and put together.  I am a beam of warm light.  I am a friend, a strength, a vulnerable human.  I am here now and I won't live ashamed anymore.  There is power in my veins and purpose in my heartbeat.  I won't waste another breath on vanity.  Accept what is, embrace it, and release what is not.  Release fake.  Release lies. Release opinions.  Release negativity.  Here I am.  Whole.  Love. Light.

But I reflect back on the environment that caused me to believe those things, that I was anything less than an incredible creation and I grieve.  I was repeatedly told that we as a whole are dirty and rotten and there is nothing good in us.  I was told that I couldn't ever trust my emotions, that they lie and are evil.  I was told that I needed to separate myself from anyone outside the circle, guarded, wary, suspicious even.  And I believed it.

What I know now is that we as a whole are human, we fall, we learn, we grow, we create, we love.  I know now that emotions are built in tools that the body uses to survive, to adapt, to communicate and it would do us well to notice them and interpret what they are trying to tell us.  I know now that I am one of billions of people and most every human I have the opportunity to meet has something I can connect with, can grow from, or I have something to offer them, if nothing but simple kindness.

This is only my story.  This is my journey.  I can't speak for others because we are all unique and must walk our unique paths.  I refrain from details/locations/names/specifics because I'm not out to tear anyone or anything down.  Just understand that freedom is within your reach, no matter what you are being held captive by.  It takes an immense amount of bravery to realize your cage and find your way to the open sky but it can be done.  Let go and be free.

in love with living

Life.  I'm just so wildly in love with living.  With my beating heart and breathing lungs.  With experience and growth.  With loving and being loved.

Living hurts.  I won't deny that fact.  There are parts of this life that can just suck.  There are the doubts we wrestle with in our own minds that weigh us down.  There are harsh words or crappy people.  There are the moments where change happens and even though the change is good, you know life will never be the same from then on.  Growth can be painful.  And sometimes, just sometimes, unfair things, the things you didn't ask for, the things you can't explain, those things just happen.

Life is utterly beautiful.  When we can live our lives from a point of gratitude, noticing the little gifts, the precious little moments, then the beauty just unfolds in front of us.  Beauty isn't always colorful and neat and perfectly aligned. It could be the beauty within tears as your heart spills emotion that proves you love and are loved.

I am grateful for my life, the very act of being alive, the aliveness that comes from outside of my power, that is sustained by grace.  But I'm also grateful for the life that is mine as a product of my own courage.

I'm grateful for the life that is mine as a product of my own courage.

There was a time I just existed, content with status quo, believing that what I could see of the world must be all there was, sure that I had all things sorted.  But something inside me stirred, a little spark of something more, a seed of longing.  I stifled it, stuffed it down inside with fear.  I was afraid of change, uncertain how to even navigate through.  I was afraid of causing a stir amongst people, of being judged, of becoming someone people talk about with a shake of the head and a look of contempt.

As time passed I only grew more uneasy, sick to my stomach as I tried to keep on keeping on, holding up the lifestyle I was repeatedly told was the only way.  It was at this time that I took on a job.  A real job, in an office with business attire, a 9 to 5.  It wasn't long till I began to feel the toxicity of the environment.  I was charged with a large task within that job that became mundane and tedious and the toxicity continued.  I spiraled into a depression as I tried to uphold what was quickly caving in over my head.

I clawed for a way out, desperate for some sliver of hope that this wasn't all life held.  Every day I went through the motions.  Just surviving.  Just looking for a way out.  I poured my heart out in my journal.  Words from a broken heart.  Words begging for change but not knowing or understanding where that change would come from.

What I didn't know then was that the change would come from within me.

The change would come from within me.

There was a moment where I knew that for anything to happen, I was going to have go after it.  I made a list on little yellow notepad of all the things I was passionate about, the things that made me happy, the things I was good at and wanted to pursue more of.  Bit by bit, I sought ways to build those things into my life.

Then I started to let go.  Each step forward, each act of courage, I let go, just a little, of toxicity.  I let go, just a little, of expectation.  I let go, just a little, of pride.  I let go, just a little, of fear.  And that change, that change that boiled up from the deepest part of me began to manifest.

Where I am at this very moment has a great deal to do with my own courage.  Because I had the courage to step forward into the unknown, to release what I had held onto for so long, I slowly uncovered freedom.  I didn't create the freedom, but I stepped into what had been there from the beginning, what was always meant for me.

I stepped into what had been there from the beginning, what was always meant for me.

We are meant for freedom, not to be held down by self made rules and traditions, not to be held back by fear, not to be stunted in life by thinking we have some enlightened intelligence and can discern and judge the world and life itself.  We are meant to soar and thrive and grow and flourish and live and feel and love and BE FREE.

swim with the tide

reading...  sort of reading Where'd You Go Bernadette

watching...  a documentary show about wildlife in Australia and also  "Outlander"

trying...  to get organized.  I've been purging my closet, organizing the pantry, sorting through paperwork.  It seems that once I get some headway in one thing, 5 more tasks pop up.  But I'm really motivated so hopefully I gain some ground.

baking...  I made the best pear/zucchini bread.  I tweaked the recipe by substituting some of the oil with a banana and also using a 1:3 ratio of coconut flour and white flour.  It came together perfectly.

eating...  tonight we are having baked chicken and wild rice and some sort of vegetable.  We are at the point in life where I have to be careful the amount of food I make because sometimes it is just the 2 of us.

drinking...  all the tea, hot and usually unsweetened unless I'm feeling froggy

doing...  today I taught a yoga class of 1 student, ran errands all over town, grocery shopped, and took my Charlie pup to the park and the beach (he is currently comatose in his bed)

going...  tomorrow I'm going to my favorite woods.  It's supposed to rain so it ought to be awesome!

loving...  being HOME.   Spending a month in a foreign country made me realize without a doubt that I love my life here at home.  I love driving my truck around with the music up too loud and the windows down and my dog in my lap, usually heading to the woods or the beach.  I love my little house and my little family and my 3 old hens that aren't laying eggs currently

dreading...  in one month my youngest son is packing up to head to college.  Ugh.  That's a kick in the gut.

enjoying...  painting my nails.  As a longtime nail-biter I rarely have nice nails but I've let them grow for three months and they look pretty dang good.  Today's polish is called "ravishing gown"...it's an iridescent purple.  

thinking...  yesterday I came across some of my private journal entries from 2 years ago.  I was in such a stuck place and it made me sad for that time where I felt helpless, unable or afraid to change. And I'm thankful for the transformational journey I've had since then and the freedom I've found.

feeling...  hopeful for autumn, a new season that will bring some sure changes but also great opportunities

hoping for...  my mom to have a successful surgery on her broken wrist.  Success and quick recovery.

listening to...  at this very moment Calvin Arsenia is singing "Back To You"

smelling...  lavender, lemon, and ylang ylang

thankful...  I'm thankful that I'll be adding a couple more yoga classes to my weekly schedule next month

considering...  the release of expectation.  Placing expectations on anything is a way we try to hold control, control we were never meant to have.  Release expectations and allow things to be as they are.  Save your strength to swim with the tide rather than fight against the current.

thoughts on Indonesia

Did you like Indonesia? 

I've heard this question many times in the two weeks since returning and I'm never sure exactly how to answer it.  Truth be told, I liked aspects of it, such as: the people (they are kind and funny and welcoming and gracious), the impeccable service, the lack of road rage during insane traffic, the diversity, and the coffee so good that I am forever ruined.

Things I did not like: pollution (worst in the world), the language barrier, Dengue fever, heat, traffic

My world was expanded with this trip as I was immersed in another culture for a solid month, where before I possessed some narrow-mindedness concerning other groups of people with lifestyles and mindsets different than my own.  Gosh, I've lived so small for so long in so many areas of my life.

Being a citizen of the US, born and raised on this soil without setting foot outside it's borders, I could never understand that the world outside of this country is capable and educated and strong and loving.  Without realizing it, I had a very conceited world view, that being that the US is the greatest country in the world and that means we are the best in every thing we do and no other country or people could ever be equal to or better than us.  Sheesh, so arrogant!  I didn't know I was living with that mindset until I visited southeast Asia and had those beliefs knocked right out of my head.

What I learned is that human beings are human beings the world over.  No matter the location or the style of clothing, the language, the social idiosyncrasies, the food culture, or the traditions.  We all want to live a happy life full of love and family, to eat good food and do something with our time that is fulfilling.  This is a world truth.  The US does not have the monopoly on happiness, no matter what I always believed.

Back to those things I liked about Indonesia...

The people.  I met some really great human beings and was so sad to leave them.  They made me feel welcome in a place so foreign.

The impeccable service.  Customer service is top notch in this country.  Friendliness, helpfulness, attention, respect.  I find that in the US I often feel as if I'm a nuisance to service industry staff but that was never the case in Indonesia.

The lack of road rage.  Imagine chaos.  Imagine movement everywhere.  Imagine congestion.  Imagine very loose road rules.  Then plop a car in the middle and get from point A to point B without getting angry or impatient or rude.  I witnessed this calm in the storm every single day as we had drivers everywhere we went.

The diversity.  I mentioned this already but it bears repeating.  The world is a big, beautiful, colorful canvas and I'm so thankful I got to witness it with a fresh perspective.

The coffee.  Every coffee I had in Indonesia was smooth and strong.  Crafted slowly and carefully.  Presented with pride.  Since I've been back home I've switched to tea.  My taste buds are true coffee snobs now.

And a few words about the things I did not like about Indonesia...

The pollution.  Ranked worst in the world, Jakarta rarely glimpses a blue sky.  The air is constantly hazy and thick with unhealthy particulates.  Add to that a serious litter and trash problem in most parts of the city.  I was surprised that Bali, an island retreat and vacation destination also had a terrible trash issue.

The language barrier.  I didn't realize this would be as big of an issue as it was.  I often felt very alienated in groups of people or in public places.  I was at a complete loss to communicate.  Thankfully there are many Indonesians that do speak English and would sometimes take pity on me and translate mid conversation.

Dengue fever.  This wasn't even on my radar but 12 days into my trip I began presenting symptoms of this disease that is spread through the bite of infectious mosquitoes.  There is no medicine for it, no immunizations, no cure.  I ended up in the hospital where I received IV fluids and blood tests to monitor my platelets.  Dengue fever knocked me completely down for a full week and a few days more of weakness.  But my victory song is that 2 weeks after my first symptoms I was climbing up the side of a volcano to view the sunset.

Heat.  Jakarta was hot and sticky.  Bali was not so bad.  But it sure made me miss my mild PNW weather.

Traffic.  Again, experiencing traffic in Asia made me long for my sleepy little island in Washington.  We spent a lot of time just getting from here to there.  So much car sitting.  So many times I just closed my eyes and mindfully relaxed my tensed up muscles.

Forever I will hold this trip close to my heart.  It was nothing like I'd expected, not like I'd planned but I firmly believe things happen on purpose to grow us or to expand us or to change us in some way.  I'm thankful for all of it.  The positive and the negative.  Not the Dengue though.  I'm really not thankful for that.

necessary and unnecessary

T minus 4 days.

The big adventure begins.

I'm using this week to wrap up packing and doing all the necessary and probably unnecessary things before being gone for a month.  Plus working at the restaurant all the days.

Necessary things a person does before leaving the country:

• locate passport
• pack reading material for the flight
• begin probiotics
• get the monthly bills paid

Unnecessary things I do before leaving the country:

• wash my truck
• order a case of toilet paper from Amazon
• order an air conditioner
• fill all the bird feeders

It's a big shift.  It's a new experience.  And I have every emotion about the whole thing.  I'll miss my faithful little dog.  I'll miss watching my chickens be their quirky chicken selves.  I'll miss seeing the wildflowers take over my garden.  I'll miss my hiking trails and my trees.  I'll miss my guys.

But when I get sad or anxious about the leaving, I think about all the new things I'm going to experience.  All the cool people I'm going to meet.  This new country I've never seen.

Until then, I'm going to hike a couple more times, soaking in my happy place.  I'm going to work three more shifts at the restaurant. I'm going to do more unnecessary things and I'm going to finish packing.  And then we'll celebrate the birthday of this beautiful country.

Stay tuned for updates from Indonesia.  I'll be posting on my Instagram and probably Facebook.  And maybe I'll even write a little here.

Until next time!

big adventure

It's hot where I'm headed.  Daily temperatures in the mid 90's with the nights only cooling to the upper 70's.  Humidity is high.

Jakarta, Indonesia is a city of 9.5 million people.  9.5 million.  !!

This small town girl who has never been outside of the U.S is in for some culture shock.

I'm leaving behind my sleepy island in the upper left corner of America and flying across the ocean to Indonesia.  I'm taking my camera and a million pairs of yoga pants.  This will be my life while I'm there.  Yoga and photography.

The purpose of the trip is to mentor in yoga teacher training.  The same training that I went through over a period of 10 weeks last fall will be taught in 3 weeks.  Long days.  Long weeks.  Lots of yoga.  I look forward to what I will learn being exposed to the training for a second time but also sharing it and assisting others in their learning.

How will I grow and change as I am immersed in a new culture?  I lived for 39 years with a very small view of the world.  In my 40th year I was opened and expanded, growth beyond measure as I discovered a life of freedom.  And now, entering my 41st year I get to experience something I would have thought was out of reach as I spend a month in Indonesia.

Yoga and photography.  This was my dream.  And in just 23 days I'll be on a plane across the ocean to my biggest adventure yet.

Stay tuned!

worth living

To write about the things in my heart
To split myself wide open and let it all bleed out
To lay open all honesty and be perfectly transparent
To write clearly and concisely about what hurts, about what heals

This is the call of my heart.  Yet I still find myself second-guessing.
I find that I harness the words, reigning them in before they even have a chance.
If I were to tell the whole story, releasing everything I've held in for years,
it may fall on deaf ears.  Some people won't hear what doesn't agree with their thoughts.

So I keep some things close in, quietly working my way around and through until
I can grow through and beyond what has kept me hindered.  It isn't necessary to lay bare
the truths about another is it?  Maybe it is only necessary to pick up my pieces and move forward.
Let others believe what they will and bravely release my own binds.

I move forward because it is the only direction I can go.  Forward, away from oppression.  Forward, away from constriction.  Forward, away from ego and false fronts.  Forward, away from sugared words and flowery promises that cover over disease and bitterness.

Fear acts like a prison, erecting boundaries around us with the intention of keeping our world small, keeping us contained.  That fear is embedded within a person so deeply that they fear leaving the boundaries.  The fear governs every decision, controls every thought, keeping guard against every person or thing that may be without the walls.

My world was so small.  Every bit of life I controlled and monitored and organized and coordinated by reason of fear, guarded from anything unfamiliar.  A self-imposed prison.

Somehow light crept in.

And as I turned my face to the light, the fear receded little by little.  As the light warmed my face, the walls came down bit by bit.  Freedom and I embraced each other like old friends separated by time and distance.

Sometimes I get stuck, clinging to remnants of my fear.  But freedom takes me by the hand and reminds me how far I've come, how much I've grown, how big and beautiful the world can be, if I just keep my face to the light.

Life used to feel monotonous and somber, constantly keeping everything in check, constantly controlling.

Now, life feels alive.

Life feels full of promise.

Life feels worth living and worth sharing.

currently

watching...  American Idol.  I'm a sucker for this show ; )  I don't care who wins, they are all talented.

cooking...  M&M bars, and for dinner: pork chops, scalloped potatoes, and brussels sprouts

eating...  leftover chicken enchiladas for lunch

drinking...  since it isn't winter anymore I make a lot of iced tea.  Starting with black tea I'll usually add some green tea or some fancy variety along with lots of fresh mint leaves. 

doing...  sitting under a blanket with my dog, trying to stave off the chill of this droopy day

going...  to my first yoga festival this weekend!!  So much fun stuff!  I'm signed up for things like aerial yoga and hula hooping.   

loving...  I made a feather mobile with feathers I've collected over the last few years.  For me, feathers are a representation of freedom and I need all the reminders I can get to embrace that.

enjoying...  the white and purple tulips my son gave me for Mother's Day.  They are just blooming and are delicate and beautiful.  My guys also gave me a necklace and earrings set that has lava beads that diffuse oils.  I already wore them to work diffusing lavendar and the occasional scent immediately brought a calm to my mind.

thinking...  I should actually get something productive done rather than writing a silly blog post

feeling...  cozy with my pup

hoping...  my tourist Visa application goes through without a hitch.  I'm going to Indonesia in 6 weeks!!

listening...  A "Calm Vibes" playlist on Spotify, which turns out to be mostly some chill piano

celebrating... Can we celebrate Tuesday?  I like Tuesdays.  They aren't Monday and they are early enough in the week that there is still so much innate potential.

smelling...  lavendar, lemon, and rosemary in the diffuser

thankful...  Yes.  

does Truth

I spent so many years striving to be better, to perform the requirements to be accepted.  When you want to belong you will do whatever it takes.  My heart was there.  I wanted to do right, be right, be worthy.  Little did I know that I was already worthy.  You don't have to perform to gain worthiness, to gain love.  True love isn't conditional.

Since I stepped away from the things/beliefs that held me captive I have lived in freedom.  This freedom is not permission to act how ever I want, it is not an absence of morals or an absence of faith.  The freedom is in knowing that who I am is not an accident.  My strengths, weaknesses, ideas, interests, passions, these are part of me and not something to be stomped out to whittle me into an approved shape.

I'm different then I used to be.  Where once I was an unsure, weak, timid, and afraid I am now confident, strong, bold, and free.  I see it.  I feel it.  It is in my thoughts.  Others see it.  But it isn't easy.  Well, it is, and it isn't.  It is easy to live in freedom, to have stepped fully into my authentic self.  The hard part comes when all these old habits, old thoughts come creeping in.  They take me unaware sometimes and I find myself slipping backwards, into that darkness.  But I have to tell you, I'm more aware of the light I'm living in now then I ever was before.

How do you explain this to someone who has not experienced it, I'm not sure.  I know where I was.  I felt oppressed.  I felt trapped.  I felt stuck.  I felt like a fake.  And now, since I let go and stepped forward I feel like I'm finally in the sunshine.  No longer trapped.  But let me reiterate, I know how hard the struggle is.  I know the fight within trying to release everything you ever thought was right, releasing what you had held so tightly to for so long.  It's friggin hard.  But it is a little less hard when I ask, does Truth cause a soul to feel oppressed?  Does Truth cause a soul to feel trapped?  Does Truth demand performance to gain worthiness?  I have come to the conclusion that, no, it does not.

currently

reading...  Poser, my life in twenty-three yoga poses  by, Claire Dederer

watching...  The Kindness Diaries on Netflix, watch this!!!  So inspiring!!

cooking...  today I'm making a couple homemade pepperoni pizzas, the birthday dinner request of my 20 year old son

eating...  we'll be having Red Velvet cake that I ordered from the bakery

drinking...  been loving caramel lattes recently, iced or hot, Whidbey Coffee makes the BEST

doing...  yesterday I got to help a friend do some yardwork.  We pulled weeds and moved rocks and laid down some mulch, really making her front yard pretty.  And she let me hold her baby and fed me lunch so it was a win-win!

going...  to visit a university this week, how this is part of life now is beyond me

loving...  teaching yoga.  I love it so much.  I love being able to share this incredible practice with people, those who have known it for years and those who are just beginning.  It's amazing to witness people connect to their bodies.  Like, "aha! there you are, how you been?"

enjoying...  My newest décor, the first is my new little plant in a macramé hanger and the second my windchime made of thin, delicate shells that I got on Maui.  As an aside, the first artwork is from a photographer friend and the second artwork is my youngest son's.

thinking...  about upcoming things such as a yoga festival next month, graduation and my birthday the next month, traveling to Indonesia the following month, returning home the month after that, sending my son to college the month after that, then going to see my favorite singer in concert the month after that.  Ha ha!  All the things!

feeling...  overwhelmed and emotional sometimes, peaceful and chill other times.  May the odds be ever in your favor.

hoping...  the wildflower seeds I sewed in the garden take off and flourish and fill up the space with color and variety and LIFE

listening...  Sara Bareilles, Amidst the Chaos album, on repeat all day long

celebrating...  birthdays!  There is an 18 and 20 year old in the house!

smelling...  I usually diffuse oils.  Lately, my fave combo has been rosemary and lavender.

thankful...  for my husband, my anchor and my wings.  He believes in me and supports my ideas and allows me the space and freedom to fly

regarding birthdays and motherhood

Today is a day of celebration.  We are celebrating our eldest son's 20th birthday.  I also celebrate today as the day I became a mother because it is the single most influential day of my entire life.  One moment I was just me and the next moment I was the mother of a tiny human being.  So much responsibility.  So many life lessons wrapped up in that tiny body.  I'm thankful, ever so very thankful for my son, the one who changed me for the better the moment he was born.  Gosh, I can't imagine life without this experience of motherhood.  It's been difficult and ugly and beautiful and all the things.  But now 20 years into it I know it has all been worth it and still there is growth and learning as life changes us, and we change, and seasons shift.

Just two days ago, we celebrated our 2nd son's 18th birthday and that brings with it all the feels too!  Eighteen years old is a pretty monumental time.  2 more months and he graduates high school.  5 more months and he goes away to college.  And I'm not going to freak out and get all emotional because this is what life does and we cannot hold onto anything and he'll always and forever be my son.

April is always this way for me as we celebrate birthdays and I see time progress.  Spring is bright and colorful and the birds sing and I know it is all on purpose.

Happy birthday to my sons.  I love you with every fiber of my being.  Thank you for being my greatest teachers.

speaking of my own experience

It occurred to me that while I have been working to fully embrace freedom from issues in my own life, there are so many issues that others are being held captive by.  It isn't only the things I'm dealing with that can cage us up and clip our wings.

Here are some thoughts that I had of things that may hold a person captive, maybe something rings true for you?

1. addictions (this is a vast category)
2. a cycle of comparing ourselves to others
3. living in darkness, an absence of light
4. eating disorders and fascination with weight
5. arrogance and egotism
6. religion and tradition
7. an abusive relationship
8. self destructive behavior
9. a job
10. refusing to change
11. fear
12. lack of motivation
13. living in the past or only for the future
14. narcissism

This is by no means an exhaustive list and each thing listed here could really have it's own sub-categories.  We must be fully aware of the fact that while some of these cages are self-imposed, many cages are erected around us against our will.  We are responsible for our choices, for how we choose to treat our own selves.  But if someone else has chosen to mistreat you, this is by no means your fault.  The fault is in them.  And while we can and should seek to change ourselves and grow, we cannot force change and growth on another soul.  If you are in an abusive situation, please seek help.  You are worthy of love, of true selfless love that cares for you and builds you up.

Sometimes the relationship we are in that tears us down, is the relationship with ourselves.  We can be our own worst enemies.  Patterns of eating disorders or negativity can cage us up and prohibit true growth and freedom.  Just our attitudes, something simple like the way we choose to look at the world and at life, can limit us.  A poor outlook will yield a poor attitude and just like that your freedom is hindered.

We just can't fly out of a cage if our wings are clipped, if our feet are tied to the perch, if we continually hold the cage door closed from the inside.  It takes letting go to be free.

When I really began my journey into freedom it was in the woods.  I was hiking almost every day over the summer.  There is something about being close with nature that can bring back perspective.  The trees sway in a breeze.  The birds sing passionately.  Bees buzz from flower to flower.  They all go about their business and don't fret about things they cannot change.

Slowly and slowly, day by day, trail by trail, I was able to release some things I had been holding on to.  I was able to regain focus on priorities.  Sometimes I only felt lost in the woods, confused, not knowing what I was supposed to do with the things I was realizing both about myself and also about the things in life that were weighing me down.  I would spend the whole time just asking, sometimes out loud, "What am I supposed to do now?"  What do you do when you come to the reality that things need to change?  How do you navigate such a massive shift when it seems impossible?

These are not easy questions.  But when I look over the list I started with here, all those things that can hold us back, I know that change is better than staying chained to whatever holds us captive.

A life of freedom is worth the letting go, it's worth that first impossible step, it's worth falling and getting back up over and over again, it's worth the continued walking forward when you feel as if you are walking waist deep in molasses, it's worth the fear your cope with as you look at changing, you are worthy of freedom.

Gosh.  This is such a huge subject.  And I've learned so much.  But it is also so very personal.  I can only walk my journey.  I can only speak of my own experience.  And I know that every single human has their own journey and experience.  But learning to embrace freedom by releasing whatever is not conducive to growth and the liberty of your very soul will have such a profound effect on you and your entire life.

My journey to freedom began in the woods.  It was there that I found my strength.  That strength emboldened me to dive into yoga teacher training.  That training opened up all new facets of life, humanity, God, love, freedom, balance, self, history, that I had never seen before.  This will not be everybody's story but it is mine.  Delving deeper with yoga allowed me to escape my cage, it gave me the courage to try out my wings.

So, hi.  My name is Eli and I've been living in freedom for almost 8 months now.  I'm still learning.  This journey is not done.  Sometimes I still live small, forgetting how far I've come.  Sometimes I don't know where the next step leads.  Sometimes I doubt this entire journey.  Change is hard and apparently change doesn't ever end because it leads to growth which leads to more change which leads to more growth.  I get tired. Where my world used to be so small and I could easily control most things, my world is now so expansive and I realize that I control nothing.

 Until next time!

i know why the caged bird sings

I've a few decades under my belt.  I've the gray hair and and sun-aged skin.  I've had a broken heart.  Life has given me lessons not learned any other way but with time.

I don't want to ever feel regret for things I've chosen, thinking if I had done it differently maybe things would be...better?  No.  There isn't really room in a lifetime for regret.  Rather, acknowledge what was, what happened and appreciate whatever came of it, what growth was realized only through the journey.

For a long time I lived with the desire to please others, to gain acceptance.  I had been trained and conditioned with the idea that if I dressed their way and spoke their way, I'd be welcomed into the fold.  Being welcomed in meant belonging.  It meant I was doing things right.

In some circles there is heavy importance placed on image.  Upholding an image is a 24 hour a day task.  It gets to be that the line between what is real and what is not becomes so blurred that a person can forget altogether where they began.  But so long as they continue to appear just so, they'll continue to be accepted.

I guess where this can get really annoying is when people will convince you that the very behavior it takes to win their approval is the same behavior it takes to win God's approval.  For so long, I thought I had to wear a skirt to be loved by God.  I thought I needed to have my hair fixed, my face fixed up.  I thought I had to say the right words.  Looking back I know I wasted so much time and energy.  Just wasted.  But no regret, remember?  Only a lesson.

It is a cage that a person builds around themselves.  The bars of the cage offer security.  You live by the rules of the cage and the cage keeps you safe.  It is a simple life.  The view never changes.  No storms come to meet you in the cage.  And the other birds in the cage look just like you, same feathers, same wings.  Everybody sings the same song.  Nobody notices that it is a mournful song.  A song of longing.

Oh sure, you've seen some birds outside the cage but you are thankful that you're not one of them.  You fit in here, on the inside.  Maybe if  you are paying attention you'll notice that the cage door is always left open but you know you'd never leave, you've been told about the birds that leave, how they are met with certain death.  Silly birds, thinking they can leave and fly off somewhere.  It's not safe out there.

But you guys, birds are not meant to live in cages and neither are we!  We were meant to soar on warm waves of wind with these wings built for flight.  We are not meant to build walls around ourselves and our "birds of a feather" and stay safely confined.  Smash the walls, bust the cage and live FREE.  

Gosh, flying free is so much different than those years of being cooped up in a cage.  I'm still learning how to do it.  Here is where regret becomes a sticky subject.  It is easy to regret the time I spent, feeling as if I wasted so long being confined.  But I have to remember that I'm only to this point in my life and experience because of what I've lived.  I can't regret experience.  But the one thing I do regret and will regret always is that what I believe of God and how to relate to Him has been so influenced by my view through the bars of a cage, by the song the other birds were singing.  What I mean is, I spent a lot of years hearing opinions about God.  I spent a lot of time listening to the thoughts of man.  And those thoughts had come about from the opinion of somebody before.  And the whole mess of it gets shaken up with opinion and judgement and out comes some sort of product that is packaged to look like God but in fact is so far removed that it just becomes nonsense.

I'm trying to learn how to strip away years and years of indoctrination, down past opinions, down past traditions to the beginning.  To God.  And that is all.  No more.  No less.

I'm not looking for religion.  I'm not looking for old-fashioned traditions.  I'm not looking for a group to align with.  Because maybe this is only between me and God.  It's cool, He knows me, we go way back.  But looking forward, I feel like we've got some ground to cover.  And I can only take one step at a time.

So, if you wonder why I've changed, here's part of it.  This isn't new.  I've been working on this for years but freedom from the cage has given me my voice.

It's really difficult to put all this into the open, mostly because I know the rehearsed lines of my friends inside the cage.  I know what you say to people who don't go to church.  I know how you treat people who have "fallen to the wayside".  There is pity.  There is judgement.  There is opinion.  And all of those things are going to swirl about and people are going to think what they will.  But it is not the approval of people I'm seeking anymore.  I'm going to let you have your opinions and your judgement if that is what you need.  I can't live in that cage anymore.

I can't live in the cage when I know what freedom feels like under my wings.

march, spring, harmony, vacay

Spring is on the way.  It is MARCH!  The sun is rising earlier and the birds are so happy about it.  Normally this is the time of the year where I began to plan my garden.  I'm not sure that I'm going to have a garden this year as I'll be out of the country for a good part of the summer.  I may just plant a bunch of wild flower seeds and let them take over the garden with their colors.

I've been teaching yoga now for two months.  It is really not very long at all but in that two months I've taught over 25 hours!  Every hour of that is steeped in more hours of preparation and always yields more growth and education for ME.  I certainly battle with a lot of self-doubt as I learn to be an aware teacher that is able to be fully present for each individual rather than the group as a single entity.  That is the thing about yoga, whether teaching or practicing, it has a way of bringing things to the surface, causing you to be aware but also giving you the tools to grow through.

This week I have made my website "live".  This one is dedicated to my yoga teaching and includes information about me, about scheduling private sessions, and I'll continually update it with photos and journal entries.  I have a lot of cool things coming up and I want to be able to share the adventure!

www.elimcbride.com

Continually working on bringing harmony into my everyday as I balance life.  Being a mom to adult-ish men.  Taking care of my chickens and dog.  Working my waitressing gig.  Getting in as much photography business as I can.  Teaching yoga classes and private sessions.  Chillin' with my husband.  Paying the bills.  Grocery shopping.  But guess what, we are heading to Maui in 30 days!!!!!  And we are going to spend 90% of our time AT THE BEACH in the warm water and on the warm sand.  So, harmony and balance can come to me as slowly as they wish, as long as I can count down the days and hours to vacation.  Ha!

Anyhoo.  I got called in to work an extra shift at the restaurant today.  It's cool, makes for a better paycheck but I gotta go get ready.

Until next time!

you got this, keep going

Every Monday night I sleep horribly.  I wake through the night in the midst of dreams that have me tied in knots.  Most of the dreams revolve around my Tuesday morning yoga class at the gym.  Nothing is wrong with this class, I enjoy teaching it.  But in my dreams I oversleep, waking at 6:55 for the 7 a.m. class, or I get to class and the sound system is down for whatever reason, or something else is malfunctioning and it causes my class to be delayed.

This poor sleep has been going on for 2 months now, as long as I have been teaching but it doesn't happen on any other night or before any other class.  Just Monday night, preparing for Tuesday.  Add to this a puppy dog who woke in the middle of the night with an upset stomach and needed some extra care.

I know the cause of the poor sleep: underlying anxiety and fear of failure.  That anxiety is a recurring theme for me recently.  I took so many strides over the last little while, stepping into FREEDOM from fears that held me captive.  But dang, this anxiety grips me, freezes me almost.  I do feel as if it is self inflicted anxiety just because I am trying to balance so many different things at once and at times it feels impossible, foolish almost, to expect that it is not going to crash down around me.

Balance is going to come into play here as I learn to find a way to bring my life into balance with all the new things I have taken on.  I chuckle just now as I remember that my word for 2019 is, in fact, HARMONY.

What I need to learn is how to limit distraction, how to focus on what is important, to dedicate just a portion of the day to my work, and remembering to set aside work and the to-do list to allow time to BE, to LIVE.  I get all tied up in knots trying to do this and that and back to this and over to the other thing that I'm just chasing my own tail.

Of course, grace must be given as I am still learning and growing in much of what I'm doing.  I just need to allow for the growing pains, to feel the feels, to know that I am not actually superhuman.

Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see,it is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly, "You got this.  Keep going."   

the end of a thing

The rain is falling from a dark sky.  I'm home alone save for my dog of course.  Everybody is at work except me.  That's not all the way true because I do a lot of my work at home: editing photos, creating sequences for yoga classes, and planning out private yoga sessions.  And always the normal housework and chores that happen in any house so even when I'm not AT work, chances are, I am working.

It was an emotional weekend and just today feels like life is back.  Emotional because after 9 years of wrestling, our youngest son wrestled his last and final match.  He participated in our state tournament which was huge this year, 2500 participants.  He earned 7th place.

His final match was a doozy, for him, for us, for his coaches...mostly for him. So emotional.  He won the match but for a second after the final whistle he took a knee and just processed the moment.  The finality of it.  It was a moment heavy with the culmination of 9 years of practices, of tournaments, of blood and sweat, of heart, of passion, of determination. 

I wish is could put into words what wrestling has meant for this one.  Last year, when we sat in Seattle Children's Hospital with the prognosis of Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome (an extra electrical pathway in the heart that causes rapid heartbeat) hanging in the air, it was the thought that this could keep him from wrestling that bothered him most.  

Wrestling has given him a foot forward in life, in leadership skills, in tenacity, in inner strength.  And now he turns the page, leaving this behind and moving forward, always moving forward.  But it still hurts, the end of a thing.  The next chapter for him is working more, saving money, turning 18, and graduating high school.  It's a lot.  And it is happening fast.

In just six weeks we are taking our family vacation to Hawaii and we are all looking forward to being able to take some time to just BE.  To decompress.  To breathe.  To rest.  To play.  To be together.  It comes at the perfect time in so many ways.

I could go on but I think it's time to close.  I'm going to sneak some banana bread into the oven and get a soup simmering on the stove to stave off this dreary rain.

Until next time!

crazy kool aid

I'm sitting down to a steaming mug of honey-lavender tea.  It is late afternoon and the sun is low in the sky.  There are so many words that constantly swirl about in my mind but when I sit here in front of the screen, that blinking cursor befuddles me.

It does seem as if what I have written in my blog or what I speak of on social media and even in-person all has the same theme.  This is where my life is at the moment.  My heart is filled with thankfulness for the growth I have experienced in the last little while.  It overflows in conversation, it overflows into everything and I just can't hold it in.  I keep a personal journal and even there the common theme is joy and thanks.

There was a moment of truth where I realized I had to LET GO to be free and ever since that moment there has been so much goodness that has flooded over me and through me.  It's like everyday I'm given this gift and the joy comes and my heart smiles and I love people and I smile at them and they smile back.  When I let go the good things started happening, from little subtle things to gigantic overt things.

And I know that these changes may not make sense to some.  I've heard some murmurings.  It could seem that I've gone off the deep end.  It could seem that I'm stepping away from everything I've known.  And in a way, I am.  I lived a long time in bondage to fear and tradition.  Now, I'm learning how to live in the freedom I was intended for, that everyone is intended for.  I'm learning yet.  Not arrived.  So while I work through this, trust that I'm not crazy and haven't started drinking the crazy Kool-Aid.

currently

Here are some things happening around here lately...

watching... I'm picky, soooo picky about watching anything.  Like really, really picky.  So...the safe bet is episodes of I Love Lucy.  And Fuller House (who doesn't love cheesy?).  And maybe once a week I'll catch Jeopardy.

cooking... I haven't cooked for four days.  FOUR!  But tonight I'm making a garlic parmesan pasta soup with salad.

eating...  lunch was takeout from the teriyaki place because both of my boys and I are home all day (rare occasion).  I had vegetable yakisoba.

drinking... all the water, all the coffee, and an Earl Grey Numi tea

calling... rarely

texting... in the last 4 days: Maria, Aaron, Austin, Molly, Dini, Blake, and Anna

doing... researching vaccines for international travel and weighing the pros and cons 

going... tomorrow night we are going to a wrestling dual.  The Senior wrestlers (my boy included) will be honored on this night, their last night to compete in their home gym.

loving... having my boys around, I know our time is short, so I cherish the noises and smells and sounds of their presence

wearing... comfy jeans and a sweatshirt, it's my only do-nothing day

discovering... this month I began a new yoga class at a local studio and I also began teaching a few classes per week at our local fitness center so in all of that I'm discovering new people, new yoga sequences, new waking schedules, new challenges, new accomplishments, and new growth

enjoying... thoroughly enjoying this life I get to live, the changes I've walked through in the last little while have brought me here.  I feel free.  I feel strong.  And I feel thankful.  

feeling... impatient excitement as we count down to our family vacation on Maui.  Sun, sand, and the aloha spirit have been calling since we left Kauai.  I can't wait to get back.

working...  I'm working on a yoga photography project, teaching yoga four times per week, and working 2 shifts per week at the restaurant.  In the in-betweens, I'm practicing a lot of yoga, creating sequences and playlists, keeping my house in order, planning our vacation, and in general, balancing a lot of to-do lists

listening... I listen to a lot of music as I craft playlists to accompany my yoga classes.  I create each playlist to follow the flow of a class, quiet and subdued in the beginning, building in energy into the middle, slowing and quieting toward the end, then a nice long savasana.  I'm building a collection that I can rotate through.

celebrating... over the weekend my youngest son won his 99th, 100th, 101st, and 102nd varsity wrestling matches.  This is a great accomplishment!!  To brag on my oldest son for a second:  he is a key carrier for Dick's Sporting Goods and is often the manager on duty.  He is responsible for managing the store, closing at the end of the day, counting down the money and making sure the numbers are right, getting the employees out safely and locking everything up.  He's 19.

smelling... diffusing orange, lemon, and eucalyptus oils today

thanking...  I've said it a lot lately...I'm so very thankful.

Until next time...

harmony

Eighteen days into this new year...

What has changed for you?

I know there are some who balk at choosing a word or phrase for the year.  But, what if it chooses you?  Last year, sometime in mid-summer, the word FREEDOM hit me upside the head and stayed close to my heart.  It was everywhere and always forefront in my thoughts.

On January 1st, the word HARMONY, found it's way to me.  I wasn't looking for it and I was a little sad to see my other word go.  Momentarily I even tried to hold on to it, but it had lost it's power and here was HARMONY staring me in the face, demanding I take notice.

Here's what HARMONY means for me:

Balance

Not a balancing act.

Nor, juggling to keep up with everything.

Rather, a balance that comes with surrender.  A balance that comes when what I think, say, and do are in line with each other.  Balance that comes when I live in full freedom while remaining grounded.  Balance in holding on and letting go.

As I've mentioned it is going to be quite the year around here.

Looking at what is in store, I know now that I needed the word HARMONY at the forefront of my mind to guide me through.

There is a lot of change expected in this year.  Change that is at once necessary, painful, and beautiful.  There are opportunities in this year to see and do things I/we have never done before.  There is opportunity for immense growth and learning.

All the while it is HARMONY that allows for the leaning into change.  It is that balance that knows when to hold tight and when to let go.  It isn't going to be easy, not at all.  But it is going to be worth it.  It is going to be so beautiful when we can look back at the colorful tapestry that was woven through our lives in these 365 days.

Out of clutter, find simplicity

From discord, find harmony

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity

-Albert Einstein