you got this, keep going

Every Monday night I sleep horribly.  I wake through the night in the midst of dreams that have me tied in knots.  Most of the dreams revolve around my Tuesday morning yoga class at the gym.  Nothing is wrong with this class, I enjoy teaching it.  But in my dreams I oversleep, waking at 6:55 for the 7 a.m. class, or I get to class and the sound system is down for whatever reason, or something else is malfunctioning and it causes my class to be delayed.

This poor sleep has been going on for 2 months now, as long as I have been teaching but it doesn't happen on any other night or before any other class.  Just Monday night, preparing for Tuesday.  Add to this a puppy dog who woke in the middle of the night with an upset stomach and needed some extra care.

I know the cause of the poor sleep: underlying anxiety and fear of failure.  That anxiety is a recurring theme for me recently.  I took so many strides over the last little while, stepping into FREEDOM from fears that held me captive.  But dang, this anxiety grips me, freezes me almost.  I do feel as if it is self inflicted anxiety just because I am trying to balance so many different things at once and at times it feels impossible, foolish almost, to expect that it is not going to crash down around me.

Balance is going to come into play here as I learn to find a way to bring my life into balance with all the new things I have taken on.  I chuckle just now as I remember that my word for 2019 is, in fact, HARMONY.

What I need to learn is how to limit distraction, how to focus on what is important, to dedicate just a portion of the day to my work, and remembering to set aside work and the to-do list to allow time to BE, to LIVE.  I get all tied up in knots trying to do this and that and back to this and over to the other thing that I'm just chasing my own tail.

Of course, grace must be given as I am still learning and growing in much of what I'm doing.  I just need to allow for the growing pains, to feel the feels, to know that I am not actually superhuman.

Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see,it is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly, "You got this.  Keep going."