Living hurts. I won't deny that fact. There are parts of this life that can just suck. There are the doubts we wrestle with in our own minds that weigh us down. There are harsh words or crappy people. There are the moments where change happens and even though the change is good, you know life will never be the same from then on. Growth can be painful. And sometimes, just sometimes, unfair things, the things you didn't ask for, the things you can't explain, those things just happen.
Life is utterly beautiful. When we can live our lives from a point of gratitude, noticing the little gifts, the precious little moments, then the beauty just unfolds in front of us. Beauty isn't always colorful and neat and perfectly aligned. It could be the beauty within tears as your heart spills emotion that proves you love and are loved.
I am grateful for my life, the very act of being alive, the aliveness that comes from outside of my power, that is sustained by grace. But I'm also grateful for the life that is mine as a product of my own courage.
I'm grateful for the life that is mine as a product of my own courage.
There was a time I just existed, content with status quo, believing that what I could see of the world must be all there was, sure that I had all things sorted. But something inside me stirred, a little spark of something more, a seed of longing. I stifled it, stuffed it down inside with fear. I was afraid of change, uncertain how to even navigate through. I was afraid of causing a stir amongst people, of being judged, of becoming someone people talk about with a shake of the head and a look of contempt.
As time passed I only grew more uneasy, sick to my stomach as I tried to keep on keeping on, holding up the lifestyle I was repeatedly told was the only way. It was at this time that I took on a job. A real job, in an office with business attire, a 9 to 5. It wasn't long till I began to feel the toxicity of the environment. I was charged with a large task within that job that became mundane and tedious and the toxicity continued. I spiraled into a depression as I tried to uphold what was quickly caving in over my head.
I clawed for a way out, desperate for some sliver of hope that this wasn't all life held. Every day I went through the motions. Just surviving. Just looking for a way out. I poured my heart out in my journal. Words from a broken heart. Words begging for change but not knowing or understanding where that change would come from.
What I didn't know then was that the change would come from within me.
The change would come from within me.
There was a moment where I knew that for anything to happen, I was going to have go after it. I made a list on little yellow notepad of all the things I was passionate about, the things that made me happy, the things I was good at and wanted to pursue more of. Bit by bit, I sought ways to build those things into my life.
Then I started to let go. Each step forward, each act of courage, I let go, just a little, of toxicity. I let go, just a little, of expectation. I let go, just a little, of pride. I let go, just a little, of fear. And that change, that change that boiled up from the deepest part of me began to manifest.
Where I am at this very moment has a great deal to do with my own courage. Because I had the courage to step forward into the unknown, to release what I had held onto for so long, I slowly uncovered freedom. I didn't create the freedom, but I stepped into what had been there from the beginning, what was always meant for me.
I stepped into what had been there from the beginning, what was always meant for me.
We are meant for freedom, not to be held down by self made rules and traditions, not to be held back by fear, not to be stunted in life by thinking we have some enlightened intelligence and can discern and judge the world and life itself. We are meant to soar and thrive and grow and flourish and live and feel and love and BE FREE.
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