from the dark

Why art thou cast down, O my soul?  And why art thou disquieted within me?

This has been my song for the last few months.  Walking through some of the darkest darkness I've ever felt.

In my journal I wrote:

   "I've been better.  I see that now."
   "Peace is like sand through my fingers."
   "The fog ebbs and flows but never leaves completely.  It is my constant companion."

I cling to the Psalms.  I've read them through four times and am currently re-reading them.  I find strength and hope in the words of David.

Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning, for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

 

Let thy tender mercies come unto me, that I may live, for thy law is my delight.

 

Thou art my hiding place and my shield: I hope in thy word.

The trials come like ocean waves.  I'm not fighting one battle, but multiple.  And the weight of it crushes my spirit. 

I can't describe to you the darkness, can't detail the depth of the struggle because it is too fresh.  I'm still too much into it to share.  But I can tell you that God loves me.  He really cares and I know because He has shown me.

Last week was hard.  Really, really hard.  I was at the lowest I've felt in my entire life.  Really, really low.

Over the weekend I attended a conference for Christian ladies.  I get to go every year to this conference and I have a lot of friends there, women I admire who challenge and inspire me. 

My heart was not super into the idea of getting dressed, putting on a smile, and going through the motions (just being honest here) but I was going to get to see my mom (whom I've not seen in a year and half) and that was the motivation I needed to make the trip, if for nothing else.

Of course the conference was beautiful and the women were wonderful.  God softened my heart enough to be able to reach in and love me.  He gently reminded me of the bigger picture and allowed me to learn some new things.

At one point, one of my dearest friends, in a private moment, looked me right in the eyes and asked a very detailed question about one of my trials, a trial I have not mentioned to a soul.  When I opened up a bit she just nodded and said she would be praying.  And she is a fierce woman of prayer so I know she'll be right at the heart of God, breathing words of prayer on my behalf.  Lord, thank you for a friend like that!

Some things God showed me:

   ~  look for the blessings in every trial
   ~  every trial has a purpose
   ~  don't look at the lions, look at the light
   ~  be open and sensitive rather than hard and bitter
   ~  this is a time of opportunity

Be strong and of good courage, and do it: fear not, nor be dismayed: for the Lord God, even my God, will be with thee, he will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, until thou hast finished all the work for the service of the house of the Lord. 

 

I Chronicles 28:20

 

I'm still processing exactly how to find a blessing in a trial.  It would seem that the blessing would only be evident after the trial is over but I intend to seek the blessing within the trial, in the deep, dark root of it.

 

It reminds me of Mister Rogers and how he always said to look for the heroes in every tragedy.  I do that.  But perhaps the heroes in my current story are blessings and I just need to look for them as I do the heroes.

 

The blessings I've had over the last few days:

• getting to know a lady new to our church and discovering that she is genuine and honest and delightful
• spending time with my mom
• being spoiled with a weekend in brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee (rental car) with so many luxuries that I felt like royalty
• dear people that gave (GAVE!!) us a car.  It doesn't run at the moment but thankfully my husband knows enough about cars that he should be able to get it up and running and we'll have another set of reliable wheels.  I'm so thankful.  And humbled.
• an employer that is, first and foremost, a Christian, that I can share some troubles with and ask her to pray and know that she will.  And when I'm in need of some extra hours at work she is able to double my hours for the month and still asks if there is anything more she can do.

I am not worthy of the blessings.  Not worthy of the love that God showers on me.  But I can say that I have felt in the last two days better than I have in months.  My trials are still here, that hasn't changed, but my perspective has changed.  This is what God's love does.  He reaches down in the darkest of hours and holds us close to Him, not promising that things will get better but that He has a plan for every thing and that He will never leave our sides.

 

 

It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.  They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.  The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.  The Lord is good unto them that wait for him, to the soul that seeketh him.

 

Lamentations 3:21-25

of San Diego

It was such a pleasure to spend a week with my sister.  Our time together is rare and always too short but she is one of my most favorite people in the world, one of those people that I feel comfortable with no matter what.  And being with my brother-in-law and my nephew is easy and enjoyable.

 

The reason for the visit was to offer some help and care to my sister during her recovery after surgery.  I don't know how much actual help I was but I felt like I was at least doing something, even if that was only keeping the dishes clean.

 

The San Diego area is like a foreign country to me.  The plant life, the animals, the weather, the scenery...it was all fascinating.  I asked a lot of questions to quell my curiosity and thankfully everyone was eager to answer as best they could.

 

This flower resides in a hanging basket on my sister's patio:

 

 

This was a bush in their yard:

 

 

My nephew, Sully, and I had a "date" at Barnes and Noble.  We each grabbed a good stack of books and magazines and a Starbucks drink and spent a good chunk of the afternoon thus engrossed.  Sully and I actually share quite a few interests so being able to spend time with him was a pleasure.

 

A few days later we, again, spent time together engrossed in books, this time at the San Diego Naval Hospital Library.  While my sis had an appointment we found our way to the library.  Expecting rows and rows of medical books, I was pleased to discover a normal library, minus some of the fluff of a public library.

The family took me sightseeing on a beautifully perfect afternoon.  This beach was in the Ocean Shores/Point Loma area.  It was neat to see so many surfers and even pelicans!  I was thrilled to see four pelicans flying in formation like bomber planes.  And surfers with hair bleached by the sun.

 

 

 

The houses were amazing.  The clouds, even more.

 

 

The view of San Diego from Shelter Island:

A pelican!!

 

The view from Harbor Island:

 

I'll confess, I LOVE flying!!  This trip was my first experience with flying since I was 16 (and that was a long time ago).  I cringed upon that first take off.  My stomach sank as we gained altitude.  But I was mesmerized by the power of the jet engines, by the shrinking landscape below me, by the variety in the topography.  The earth is fascinating and when you have occasion to see it from 30,000 feet in the air it becomes all that much more amazing.

 

Each flight (I had four), I was able to sit by the window and I promise I was pressed against that window the entire time save for one leg where the setting sun was shining right in my eyes and the view below was all gray clouds so I read instead.

 

The clouds are beautiful from above:

 

 

 

I don't know that I could ever tire of this beauty:

 

 

I understand why the term "cotton candy clouds" was created.  Please excuse the spots on this next picture, the window was a little dirty on the outside but the clouds are too pretty to not share.

 

While I was in sunny San Diego my home was hit with a huge storm that blew down trees and knocked out power.  The rain was heavy.  The wind gusts were recorded as high as 70 mph.  Thankfully we didn't have any trees fall but my garden suffered some casualties.  I wasn't sure what to expect when I got home but I was pleasantly surprised to be able to gather all these tomatoes.  The yellow ones are so sweet!

 

 

 

 And this flower, decorated with rain drops, was a beautiful sight.

 

 

 

 

It is life back to normal here at home.  Fall is in full swing with a twinge of chill in the air.  All the kids are back to school today.  My two walked out the door to begin their Freshman and Junior years.  Sigh.  It's ok, really it is.

 

Until next time San Diego.  And, I love you Beth!

 

purple mountain majesties





Perhaps I am a cheap date.  Perhaps I need only be tempted by a package of Sour Patch Kids candy and some pretzels to agree to an adventure.  Perhaps I would have gone anyway.

 

Whatever which way, Sunday evening found us at the coldest, windiest beach on our island.  He was fishing, I was taking pictures and eating candy.  Thankfully, someone had built a really great driftwood shelter that I sought solace in when the wind proved to be just too cold.

 

But the sunset was gorgeous.  And the Olympic mountains sang with purple mountains majesties.



 

 

 

After catching the first fish and gutting it, this friend showed up, hoping for his share....

We live in such a beautiful place.  I really can't get enough of it.  And I don't mean it as bragging, it is just fact. 

 

We have a big beautiful sky and too many beaches to count.  And on any Sunday evening we can just get outside and enjoy a sunset like this, and catch delicious salmon, and take glorious pictures, and eat Sour Patch Kids.  Well, you can probably do that last one almost anywhere.

See what I mean about the sky?!?

The catch: two pink salmon.

Let us search and try our ways, and turn again to the Lord.  Let us lift up our heart with our hands unto God in the heavens. 

 

Lamentations 3:40-41

but it is beautiful

I wander my garden on a daily basis.  Sometimes multiple times a day.  Sometimes at night under the light of the moon.  I'm infatuated.

 

It is such a pleasure to have this little patch of earth that I truly feel I can call "mine".  It's not huge.  It's not tidy.  It's full of unexpected things.  Not everything has worked.  But it is beautiful.  And I guess that is how my life is too.  Isn't that a profound thought!?  I'm learning life lessons from my little garden.

 

Tomatoes!

The leaf of the sunflower captures the sun just right.

 

Delicate tomato blossoms

 

 

 

Football practice started this week.  Blake has been doing some weight training and conditioning with the team all summer but the real deal was this week.  High school football.  Oh boy.  Just two and a half more weeks till the first day of school!

Austin has started practicing precision rifle which brings with it a higher level of competition.  He gets to shoot a more expensive rifle and is required to wear heavy leather pants and jacket, and boots for stability.  He's only been practicing precision for a month and has already beat his personal best.  His goal for the year is to make it to Nationals again.

The following are not my flowers.  I took these pictures on an excursion we went on last week and I just thought they were so pretty....

As the air takes on a certain crispness and the light fades more quickly each evening, I prepare for the shift, the certain changes that Autumn will bring.  Our schedules will change, our focuses will change, the demands will change, and whatever decides it's going to go and change without letting me know will most certainly change.  And because of that fact I am all the more thankful that the Lord hears my prayers.

My sister will have surgery tomorrow.  And a biopsy.  And I pray.  I will be flying down to help her in her recovery.  To cook food.  To hang out with my nephew.  To tell jokes or to not.  And still I pray.  I pray that the surgery will be fully successful and as routine as possible.  I pray that cancer will not be a thing we even have to worry about.  I pray for a speedy recovery.  I pray that I would be some sort of comfort.  Even, I pray for my own little family as I'm away.

Life:   It's not tidy.  It's full of unexpected things.  Not everything has worked.  But it is beautiful.

It is beautiful.


 

rustica

We have one vehicle.  I'm thankful for it.  It's paid off.

We share that one vehicle between the four of us.  And the four of us, we all have different schedules.  And there is weight lifting with the football team, and rifle practice with the club, and yoga class, and fishing, and out with friends, and picking up someone else's work shift, and errands to run, and everybody works and someone even has two jobs.

It's a wee bit of a challenge sometimes.

This week our one vehicle broke down.

I'm thankful for our one vehicle.  I'm also thankful that we live in town and we all have bicycles.

While our vehicle was broke down we celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary.  It was like no other!  We rode our bikes downtown and ate at a little Italian joint called Rustica.  We ordered three different appetizers to share between the two of us and called that our meal.

Scallops with pesto and a smear of some fancy creamy sauce that was delicious.

 

 

Bruschetta with goat cheese, pork tenderloin, and fabulous onions with a balsamic drizzle.  This was our favorite!

Local Penn Cove mussels in a tomato-yellow pepper-garlic broth.  Very tasty.

After dinner at Rustica we rode our bikes down to the waterfront, spied jellyfish in the water, rode on the boardwalk, and back through town to Baskin Robbins where we each got a double scoop ice cream in a waffle cone.

And our vehicle?  My clever and determined husband called around to some mechanics, did some online research, and called parts stores.  What would have been close to $1200 to have done at a repair shop cost us just a couple hundred dollars for Aaron to do in our driveway.  He'd never fixed a transmission problem before but he did it.  I'm pretty proud.

a study of sunflowers

 

 

 

 

 

 

  

 

 

Helianthus, the sunflower

 

helios = sun

anthos = flower

 

 

 

This rust colored beauty has captured my attention.  I've never seen a flower this color.  I love the way it shimmers in the sunlight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is my garden (the neighbor's house in the background).  The entire fence is lined with sunflowers.  When standing in the garden, one must duck and veer to avoid the bees that adore the plentiful pollen of the flowers.  The bees are so preoccupied that they've not bothered with me.  The mosquitoes, on the other hand...

 

 

 

 

just some happenings

Our island has a drive-in movie theatre.  How cool is that?!  We went for the first time and it really was pretty cool.  The guys went on the go-karts before show-time.  We got lots of junk food at the snack bar.  And we stayed out too late.  Truth be told, all but one of us didn't make it through the second feature (Jurassic World).

 

 

 

The first feature was the Minions movie so all the employees were dressed like this: 

                                                                                   

We've been hiking as much as we can lately.  Charlie gets in on the hikes, although sometimes, we end up carrying him because he has short legs and the hikes can get a bit intense.

 

 

Poor Charlie got stung by a bee (in his mouth!) yesterday at home.  He ended up developing quite an allergic reaction so had to be taken to the vet.  They gave him a Benadryl shot and a steroid shot and kept him for a couple hours of close monitoring.  He's doing much better today.  I sure love that little dog!  And I'm proud of my Blake who was home alone at the time and had the presence of mind to call the vet himself to ask for advice and then to ice the sting area as best as he could to try to keep the swelling down.  Good job Blake!