necessary and unnecessary

T minus 4 days.

The big adventure begins.

I'm using this week to wrap up packing and doing all the necessary and probably unnecessary things before being gone for a month.  Plus working at the restaurant all the days.

Necessary things a person does before leaving the country:

• locate passport
• pack reading material for the flight
• begin probiotics
• get the monthly bills paid

Unnecessary things I do before leaving the country:

• wash my truck
• order a case of toilet paper from Amazon
• order an air conditioner
• fill all the bird feeders

It's a big shift.  It's a new experience.  And I have every emotion about the whole thing.  I'll miss my faithful little dog.  I'll miss watching my chickens be their quirky chicken selves.  I'll miss seeing the wildflowers take over my garden.  I'll miss my hiking trails and my trees.  I'll miss my guys.

But when I get sad or anxious about the leaving, I think about all the new things I'm going to experience.  All the cool people I'm going to meet.  This new country I've never seen.

Until then, I'm going to hike a couple more times, soaking in my happy place.  I'm going to work three more shifts at the restaurant. I'm going to do more unnecessary things and I'm going to finish packing.  And then we'll celebrate the birthday of this beautiful country.

Stay tuned for updates from Indonesia.  I'll be posting on my Instagram and probably Facebook.  And maybe I'll even write a little here.

Until next time!

big adventure

It's hot where I'm headed.  Daily temperatures in the mid 90's with the nights only cooling to the upper 70's.  Humidity is high.

Jakarta, Indonesia is a city of 9.5 million people.  9.5 million.  !!

This small town girl who has never been outside of the U.S is in for some culture shock.

I'm leaving behind my sleepy island in the upper left corner of America and flying across the ocean to Indonesia.  I'm taking my camera and a million pairs of yoga pants.  This will be my life while I'm there.  Yoga and photography.

The purpose of the trip is to mentor in yoga teacher training.  The same training that I went through over a period of 10 weeks last fall will be taught in 3 weeks.  Long days.  Long weeks.  Lots of yoga.  I look forward to what I will learn being exposed to the training for a second time but also sharing it and assisting others in their learning.

How will I grow and change as I am immersed in a new culture?  I lived for 39 years with a very small view of the world.  In my 40th year I was opened and expanded, growth beyond measure as I discovered a life of freedom.  And now, entering my 41st year I get to experience something I would have thought was out of reach as I spend a month in Indonesia.

Yoga and photography.  This was my dream.  And in just 23 days I'll be on a plane across the ocean to my biggest adventure yet.

Stay tuned!

worth living

To write about the things in my heart
To split myself wide open and let it all bleed out
To lay open all honesty and be perfectly transparent
To write clearly and concisely about what hurts, about what heals

This is the call of my heart.  Yet I still find myself second-guessing.
I find that I harness the words, reigning them in before they even have a chance.
If I were to tell the whole story, releasing everything I've held in for years,
it may fall on deaf ears.  Some people won't hear what doesn't agree with their thoughts.

So I keep some things close in, quietly working my way around and through until
I can grow through and beyond what has kept me hindered.  It isn't necessary to lay bare
the truths about another is it?  Maybe it is only necessary to pick up my pieces and move forward.
Let others believe what they will and bravely release my own binds.

I move forward because it is the only direction I can go.  Forward, away from oppression.  Forward, away from constriction.  Forward, away from ego and false fronts.  Forward, away from sugared words and flowery promises that cover over disease and bitterness.

Fear acts like a prison, erecting boundaries around us with the intention of keeping our world small, keeping us contained.  That fear is embedded within a person so deeply that they fear leaving the boundaries.  The fear governs every decision, controls every thought, keeping guard against every person or thing that may be without the walls.

My world was so small.  Every bit of life I controlled and monitored and organized and coordinated by reason of fear, guarded from anything unfamiliar.  A self-imposed prison.

Somehow light crept in.

And as I turned my face to the light, the fear receded little by little.  As the light warmed my face, the walls came down bit by bit.  Freedom and I embraced each other like old friends separated by time and distance.

Sometimes I get stuck, clinging to remnants of my fear.  But freedom takes me by the hand and reminds me how far I've come, how much I've grown, how big and beautiful the world can be, if I just keep my face to the light.

Life used to feel monotonous and somber, constantly keeping everything in check, constantly controlling.

Now, life feels alive.

Life feels full of promise.

Life feels worth living and worth sharing.

currently

watching...  American Idol.  I'm a sucker for this show ; )  I don't care who wins, they are all talented.

cooking...  M&M bars, and for dinner: pork chops, scalloped potatoes, and brussels sprouts

eating...  leftover chicken enchiladas for lunch

drinking...  since it isn't winter anymore I make a lot of iced tea.  Starting with black tea I'll usually add some green tea or some fancy variety along with lots of fresh mint leaves. 

doing...  sitting under a blanket with my dog, trying to stave off the chill of this droopy day

going...  to my first yoga festival this weekend!!  So much fun stuff!  I'm signed up for things like aerial yoga and hula hooping.   

loving...  I made a feather mobile with feathers I've collected over the last few years.  For me, feathers are a representation of freedom and I need all the reminders I can get to embrace that.

enjoying...  the white and purple tulips my son gave me for Mother's Day.  They are just blooming and are delicate and beautiful.  My guys also gave me a necklace and earrings set that has lava beads that diffuse oils.  I already wore them to work diffusing lavendar and the occasional scent immediately brought a calm to my mind.

thinking...  I should actually get something productive done rather than writing a silly blog post

feeling...  cozy with my pup

hoping...  my tourist Visa application goes through without a hitch.  I'm going to Indonesia in 6 weeks!!

listening...  A "Calm Vibes" playlist on Spotify, which turns out to be mostly some chill piano

celebrating... Can we celebrate Tuesday?  I like Tuesdays.  They aren't Monday and they are early enough in the week that there is still so much innate potential.

smelling...  lavendar, lemon, and rosemary in the diffuser

thankful...  Yes.  

does Truth

I spent so many years striving to be better, to perform the requirements to be accepted.  When you want to belong you will do whatever it takes.  My heart was there.  I wanted to do right, be right, be worthy.  Little did I know that I was already worthy.  You don't have to perform to gain worthiness, to gain love.  True love isn't conditional.

Since I stepped away from the things/beliefs that held me captive I have lived in freedom.  This freedom is not permission to act how ever I want, it is not an absence of morals or an absence of faith.  The freedom is in knowing that who I am is not an accident.  My strengths, weaknesses, ideas, interests, passions, these are part of me and not something to be stomped out to whittle me into an approved shape.

I'm different then I used to be.  Where once I was an unsure, weak, timid, and afraid I am now confident, strong, bold, and free.  I see it.  I feel it.  It is in my thoughts.  Others see it.  But it isn't easy.  Well, it is, and it isn't.  It is easy to live in freedom, to have stepped fully into my authentic self.  The hard part comes when all these old habits, old thoughts come creeping in.  They take me unaware sometimes and I find myself slipping backwards, into that darkness.  But I have to tell you, I'm more aware of the light I'm living in now then I ever was before.

How do you explain this to someone who has not experienced it, I'm not sure.  I know where I was.  I felt oppressed.  I felt trapped.  I felt stuck.  I felt like a fake.  And now, since I let go and stepped forward I feel like I'm finally in the sunshine.  No longer trapped.  But let me reiterate, I know how hard the struggle is.  I know the fight within trying to release everything you ever thought was right, releasing what you had held so tightly to for so long.  It's friggin hard.  But it is a little less hard when I ask, does Truth cause a soul to feel oppressed?  Does Truth cause a soul to feel trapped?  Does Truth demand performance to gain worthiness?  I have come to the conclusion that, no, it does not.

currently

reading...  Poser, my life in twenty-three yoga poses  by, Claire Dederer

watching...  The Kindness Diaries on Netflix, watch this!!!  So inspiring!!

cooking...  today I'm making a couple homemade pepperoni pizzas, the birthday dinner request of my 20 year old son

eating...  we'll be having Red Velvet cake that I ordered from the bakery

drinking...  been loving caramel lattes recently, iced or hot, Whidbey Coffee makes the BEST

doing...  yesterday I got to help a friend do some yardwork.  We pulled weeds and moved rocks and laid down some mulch, really making her front yard pretty.  And she let me hold her baby and fed me lunch so it was a win-win!

going...  to visit a university this week, how this is part of life now is beyond me

loving...  teaching yoga.  I love it so much.  I love being able to share this incredible practice with people, those who have known it for years and those who are just beginning.  It's amazing to witness people connect to their bodies.  Like, "aha! there you are, how you been?"

enjoying...  My newest décor, the first is my new little plant in a macramé hanger and the second my windchime made of thin, delicate shells that I got on Maui.  As an aside, the first artwork is from a photographer friend and the second artwork is my youngest son's.

thinking...  about upcoming things such as a yoga festival next month, graduation and my birthday the next month, traveling to Indonesia the following month, returning home the month after that, sending my son to college the month after that, then going to see my favorite singer in concert the month after that.  Ha ha!  All the things!

feeling...  overwhelmed and emotional sometimes, peaceful and chill other times.  May the odds be ever in your favor.

hoping...  the wildflower seeds I sewed in the garden take off and flourish and fill up the space with color and variety and LIFE

listening...  Sara Bareilles, Amidst the Chaos album, on repeat all day long

celebrating...  birthdays!  There is an 18 and 20 year old in the house!

smelling...  I usually diffuse oils.  Lately, my fave combo has been rosemary and lavender.

thankful...  for my husband, my anchor and my wings.  He believes in me and supports my ideas and allows me the space and freedom to fly

regarding birthdays and motherhood

Today is a day of celebration.  We are celebrating our eldest son's 20th birthday.  I also celebrate today as the day I became a mother because it is the single most influential day of my entire life.  One moment I was just me and the next moment I was the mother of a tiny human being.  So much responsibility.  So many life lessons wrapped up in that tiny body.  I'm thankful, ever so very thankful for my son, the one who changed me for the better the moment he was born.  Gosh, I can't imagine life without this experience of motherhood.  It's been difficult and ugly and beautiful and all the things.  But now 20 years into it I know it has all been worth it and still there is growth and learning as life changes us, and we change, and seasons shift.

Just two days ago, we celebrated our 2nd son's 18th birthday and that brings with it all the feels too!  Eighteen years old is a pretty monumental time.  2 more months and he graduates high school.  5 more months and he goes away to college.  And I'm not going to freak out and get all emotional because this is what life does and we cannot hold onto anything and he'll always and forever be my son.

April is always this way for me as we celebrate birthdays and I see time progress.  Spring is bright and colorful and the birds sing and I know it is all on purpose.

Happy birthday to my sons.  I love you with every fiber of my being.  Thank you for being my greatest teachers.