my Charlie

What is one of the strangest things you eat?  I'm currently eating macaroni and ketchup.  In a bowl.  With a spoon.  Childhood comfort food, thanks Mom.  A mug of hot chamomile-lavender tea sits to my left.  To my right is my Charlie-pup, sleeping off anesthesia from his veterinary visit this morning.

It is raining outside and I have an entire afternoon and evening of nothingness.  But this is a good nothingness.  So good.  Because I always have something.  And if I don't have something I put myself to work doing something.  But not today.  I'm just going to chill here next to my dog while he snores.

After I dropped my pup at the vet this morning I drove straight to my favorite woods.  I was stressing out something fierce after they gave me all the worst case scenarios that *could* happen during his procedure today.  There was possibility of a broken jaw during tooth extractions, nerve damage resulting in blindness, needing every single tooth removed resulting in a bill of near $3,000.  But he's my dog and I love him and things have to be taken care of.  And I have to make the best decision I can for him.  So all these thoughts swim around in my mind and my heart.  And the woods call to me.

I hiked those woods today and let my worries fall to ground.  Some stretches of trail passed by in a blur as I worked through thoughts and emotions.  But always, always I see beauty.  I came upon a pair of Bald Eagles perched on a tree branch at the edge of the bluff.  I saw rust orange mushroom caps with concentric dark circles growing from the center.  I found two feathers, one with a light blue tinge and the other with stripes.  And a few times a stray rain drop would find it's way through the tree tops and land on my skin.

A few hours later I was picking up my pup at the vet.  They cleaned his teeth really well and discovered that there were NO teeth that would need to be extracted.  Hallelujah!  Plus, the fleas he had picked up a few weeks ago when we went out of the state have been mostly eradicated with just some good at home care.  So, we are back in the game and my hiking buddy will be back on the trails with me in no time.

Until next time friends!

light and freedom

My husband left for Alaska fifteen days ago.  It'll be a stretch before he's headed home again.  He's currently working on a commercial fishing boat, gill-netting salmon.  It is not a glamourous job.  We text everyday but the texts don't always go through.  He sleeps when he can, sometimes catching just a couple hours here and there.

Meanwhile, back at home, I'm going it alone.  It's tough, really.  I've been married to this man for nigh unto 21 years and I'm used to him.  I'm used to seeing his face everyday and hearing his voice and sleeping next to him and just knowing that he's nearby.  He's my rock and my best friend.  He's my sounding board and my cheerleader.  The days are quiet and long without him.

It has been two years since the first time he spent the summer in Alaska.  I was a mess that first time.  I didn't really know what to expect and it was the first time we'd ever been apart.  Two years later and I'm really no pro at this but I do feel better prepared, a little less crazy, and far less weepy.

I've gone through a lot of my own changes in the last two years and continue to transform, grow, and shed layers.  I feel a bit stronger now than before, a bit more capable in my own skin.  At forty, I would've expected this far sooner but, it is what it is. 

I think I've been captive for a long time.  Captive to self imposed limits.  Captive to judgements and fear.  There is quite a bit of freedom on the other side of fear.

Still I struggle.  Struggle to allow my voice to just be.  Struggle to gain victory over thoughts that just aren't real, things that I once held to be true that I have found were no more truth than the world is flat.

I struggle to let go of competition.  This has been a big speed bump in this past year.  I want to learn to live peaceably with my strengths and my weaknesses and my purpose.  I want to do well what I am meant to do regardless of what others do.  It's been difficult to stay in my lane, especially because I am so competitive.  I don't know where that comes from but I would be happy to be rid of it.

So, I'm resetting.  Rethinking.  Remembering.  Reworking.  Remodeling.  Regarding.

I've got some things in me, some strengths, some talents, some fountains of creativity and those are what I have to give to the world.  I can let my light shine but I can never compare my light to someone else's.

Comparison is the thief of joy.  I know this to be true.  It has crippled me, rendered me useless.  Stolen the very passion I have to do the things that bring me life.

But moving forward with optimism and purpose.  I have my legs back under me now and I feel strong.

If you hadn't noticed, I stepped away from photography over the last two months.  This was a two-fold purpose.  Reason number one was for lack of the proper gear, mainly a computer that was up to the challenge.  Reason number two was because I lost myself in all of it.  In trying to build a photography business I lost the simple joy that just taking pictures gives me.  And without that, photography has nothing worthwhile for me.

In guarding my joy I have ceased looking at other photographers' work.  I have stopped reading articles that tell me how I should be photographing.  I have not used my professional Instagram in quite some time, nor have I been updating my business Facebook page, and I also chose to opt out of photography groups on Facebook.  In essence, I blocked out the photography world because it is too loud.  I can't hear my heart over the shouting.  And slowly, slowly I return to the beginning, to just taking pictures that feed my own soul.

There is a freedom here, the freedom to capture light and color, to create and allow.  I vow to stay in this state of freedom, to remember always this simplicity and joy.

It's is amusing to me that this "revelation" goes so much deeper than just photography.  This is a life lesson.  A wisdom that my forty years is finally grabbing on to, embracing.  What is important is not what I had thought was important. 

It comes back to shining my light.  It's that light that is important, the one that resides right there in my soul.  The light that is only mine, unique and beautiful.  Powerful and bright.

The pictures featured here in this posting were taken in natural morning light.  This is all one small petal fallen from a flower in my garden.  These are unedited and reflect what I've really been trying to say here. 

This is simplicity. 

This is beauty. 

This is what I have to offer.

If you've stuck with me thus far, THANK YOU.  Obviously, I had a lot to say.

Until next time friends!