worth living

To write about the things in my heart
To split myself wide open and let it all bleed out
To lay open all honesty and be perfectly transparent
To write clearly and concisely about what hurts, about what heals

This is the call of my heart.  Yet I still find myself second-guessing.
I find that I harness the words, reigning them in before they even have a chance.
If I were to tell the whole story, releasing everything I've held in for years,
it may fall on deaf ears.  Some people won't hear what doesn't agree with their thoughts.

So I keep some things close in, quietly working my way around and through until
I can grow through and beyond what has kept me hindered.  It isn't necessary to lay bare
the truths about another is it?  Maybe it is only necessary to pick up my pieces and move forward.
Let others believe what they will and bravely release my own binds.

I move forward because it is the only direction I can go.  Forward, away from oppression.  Forward, away from constriction.  Forward, away from ego and false fronts.  Forward, away from sugared words and flowery promises that cover over disease and bitterness.

Fear acts like a prison, erecting boundaries around us with the intention of keeping our world small, keeping us contained.  That fear is embedded within a person so deeply that they fear leaving the boundaries.  The fear governs every decision, controls every thought, keeping guard against every person or thing that may be without the walls.

My world was so small.  Every bit of life I controlled and monitored and organized and coordinated by reason of fear, guarded from anything unfamiliar.  A self-imposed prison.

Somehow light crept in.

And as I turned my face to the light, the fear receded little by little.  As the light warmed my face, the walls came down bit by bit.  Freedom and I embraced each other like old friends separated by time and distance.

Sometimes I get stuck, clinging to remnants of my fear.  But freedom takes me by the hand and reminds me how far I've come, how much I've grown, how big and beautiful the world can be, if I just keep my face to the light.

Life used to feel monotonous and somber, constantly keeping everything in check, constantly controlling.

Now, life feels alive.

Life feels full of promise.

Life feels worth living and worth sharing.

currently

watching...  American Idol.  I'm a sucker for this show ; )  I don't care who wins, they are all talented.

cooking...  M&M bars, and for dinner: pork chops, scalloped potatoes, and brussels sprouts

eating...  leftover chicken enchiladas for lunch

drinking...  since it isn't winter anymore I make a lot of iced tea.  Starting with black tea I'll usually add some green tea or some fancy variety along with lots of fresh mint leaves. 

doing...  sitting under a blanket with my dog, trying to stave off the chill of this droopy day

going...  to my first yoga festival this weekend!!  So much fun stuff!  I'm signed up for things like aerial yoga and hula hooping.   

loving...  I made a feather mobile with feathers I've collected over the last few years.  For me, feathers are a representation of freedom and I need all the reminders I can get to embrace that.

enjoying...  the white and purple tulips my son gave me for Mother's Day.  They are just blooming and are delicate and beautiful.  My guys also gave me a necklace and earrings set that has lava beads that diffuse oils.  I already wore them to work diffusing lavendar and the occasional scent immediately brought a calm to my mind.

thinking...  I should actually get something productive done rather than writing a silly blog post

feeling...  cozy with my pup

hoping...  my tourist Visa application goes through without a hitch.  I'm going to Indonesia in 6 weeks!!

listening...  A "Calm Vibes" playlist on Spotify, which turns out to be mostly some chill piano

celebrating... Can we celebrate Tuesday?  I like Tuesdays.  They aren't Monday and they are early enough in the week that there is still so much innate potential.

smelling...  lavendar, lemon, and rosemary in the diffuser

thankful...  Yes.  

does Truth

I spent so many years striving to be better, to perform the requirements to be accepted.  When you want to belong you will do whatever it takes.  My heart was there.  I wanted to do right, be right, be worthy.  Little did I know that I was already worthy.  You don't have to perform to gain worthiness, to gain love.  True love isn't conditional.

Since I stepped away from the things/beliefs that held me captive I have lived in freedom.  This freedom is not permission to act how ever I want, it is not an absence of morals or an absence of faith.  The freedom is in knowing that who I am is not an accident.  My strengths, weaknesses, ideas, interests, passions, these are part of me and not something to be stomped out to whittle me into an approved shape.

I'm different then I used to be.  Where once I was an unsure, weak, timid, and afraid I am now confident, strong, bold, and free.  I see it.  I feel it.  It is in my thoughts.  Others see it.  But it isn't easy.  Well, it is, and it isn't.  It is easy to live in freedom, to have stepped fully into my authentic self.  The hard part comes when all these old habits, old thoughts come creeping in.  They take me unaware sometimes and I find myself slipping backwards, into that darkness.  But I have to tell you, I'm more aware of the light I'm living in now then I ever was before.

How do you explain this to someone who has not experienced it, I'm not sure.  I know where I was.  I felt oppressed.  I felt trapped.  I felt stuck.  I felt like a fake.  And now, since I let go and stepped forward I feel like I'm finally in the sunshine.  No longer trapped.  But let me reiterate, I know how hard the struggle is.  I know the fight within trying to release everything you ever thought was right, releasing what you had held so tightly to for so long.  It's friggin hard.  But it is a little less hard when I ask, does Truth cause a soul to feel oppressed?  Does Truth cause a soul to feel trapped?  Does Truth demand performance to gain worthiness?  I have come to the conclusion that, no, it does not.

currently

reading...  Poser, my life in twenty-three yoga poses  by, Claire Dederer

watching...  The Kindness Diaries on Netflix, watch this!!!  So inspiring!!

cooking...  today I'm making a couple homemade pepperoni pizzas, the birthday dinner request of my 20 year old son

eating...  we'll be having Red Velvet cake that I ordered from the bakery

drinking...  been loving caramel lattes recently, iced or hot, Whidbey Coffee makes the BEST

doing...  yesterday I got to help a friend do some yardwork.  We pulled weeds and moved rocks and laid down some mulch, really making her front yard pretty.  And she let me hold her baby and fed me lunch so it was a win-win!

going...  to visit a university this week, how this is part of life now is beyond me

loving...  teaching yoga.  I love it so much.  I love being able to share this incredible practice with people, those who have known it for years and those who are just beginning.  It's amazing to witness people connect to their bodies.  Like, "aha! there you are, how you been?"

enjoying...  My newest décor, the first is my new little plant in a macramé hanger and the second my windchime made of thin, delicate shells that I got on Maui.  As an aside, the first artwork is from a photographer friend and the second artwork is my youngest son's.

thinking...  about upcoming things such as a yoga festival next month, graduation and my birthday the next month, traveling to Indonesia the following month, returning home the month after that, sending my son to college the month after that, then going to see my favorite singer in concert the month after that.  Ha ha!  All the things!

feeling...  overwhelmed and emotional sometimes, peaceful and chill other times.  May the odds be ever in your favor.

hoping...  the wildflower seeds I sewed in the garden take off and flourish and fill up the space with color and variety and LIFE

listening...  Sara Bareilles, Amidst the Chaos album, on repeat all day long

celebrating...  birthdays!  There is an 18 and 20 year old in the house!

smelling...  I usually diffuse oils.  Lately, my fave combo has been rosemary and lavender.

thankful...  for my husband, my anchor and my wings.  He believes in me and supports my ideas and allows me the space and freedom to fly

regarding birthdays and motherhood

Today is a day of celebration.  We are celebrating our eldest son's 20th birthday.  I also celebrate today as the day I became a mother because it is the single most influential day of my entire life.  One moment I was just me and the next moment I was the mother of a tiny human being.  So much responsibility.  So many life lessons wrapped up in that tiny body.  I'm thankful, ever so very thankful for my son, the one who changed me for the better the moment he was born.  Gosh, I can't imagine life without this experience of motherhood.  It's been difficult and ugly and beautiful and all the things.  But now 20 years into it I know it has all been worth it and still there is growth and learning as life changes us, and we change, and seasons shift.

Just two days ago, we celebrated our 2nd son's 18th birthday and that brings with it all the feels too!  Eighteen years old is a pretty monumental time.  2 more months and he graduates high school.  5 more months and he goes away to college.  And I'm not going to freak out and get all emotional because this is what life does and we cannot hold onto anything and he'll always and forever be my son.

April is always this way for me as we celebrate birthdays and I see time progress.  Spring is bright and colorful and the birds sing and I know it is all on purpose.

Happy birthday to my sons.  I love you with every fiber of my being.  Thank you for being my greatest teachers.

speaking of my own experience

It occurred to me that while I have been working to fully embrace freedom from issues in my own life, there are so many issues that others are being held captive by.  It isn't only the things I'm dealing with that can cage us up and clip our wings.

Here are some thoughts that I had of things that may hold a person captive, maybe something rings true for you?

1. addictions (this is a vast category)
2. a cycle of comparing ourselves to others
3. living in darkness, an absence of light
4. eating disorders and fascination with weight
5. arrogance and egotism
6. religion and tradition
7. an abusive relationship
8. self destructive behavior
9. a job
10. refusing to change
11. fear
12. lack of motivation
13. living in the past or only for the future
14. narcissism

This is by no means an exhaustive list and each thing listed here could really have it's own sub-categories.  We must be fully aware of the fact that while some of these cages are self-imposed, many cages are erected around us against our will.  We are responsible for our choices, for how we choose to treat our own selves.  But if someone else has chosen to mistreat you, this is by no means your fault.  The fault is in them.  And while we can and should seek to change ourselves and grow, we cannot force change and growth on another soul.  If you are in an abusive situation, please seek help.  You are worthy of love, of true selfless love that cares for you and builds you up.

Sometimes the relationship we are in that tears us down, is the relationship with ourselves.  We can be our own worst enemies.  Patterns of eating disorders or negativity can cage us up and prohibit true growth and freedom.  Just our attitudes, something simple like the way we choose to look at the world and at life, can limit us.  A poor outlook will yield a poor attitude and just like that your freedom is hindered.

We just can't fly out of a cage if our wings are clipped, if our feet are tied to the perch, if we continually hold the cage door closed from the inside.  It takes letting go to be free.

When I really began my journey into freedom it was in the woods.  I was hiking almost every day over the summer.  There is something about being close with nature that can bring back perspective.  The trees sway in a breeze.  The birds sing passionately.  Bees buzz from flower to flower.  They all go about their business and don't fret about things they cannot change.

Slowly and slowly, day by day, trail by trail, I was able to release some things I had been holding on to.  I was able to regain focus on priorities.  Sometimes I only felt lost in the woods, confused, not knowing what I was supposed to do with the things I was realizing both about myself and also about the things in life that were weighing me down.  I would spend the whole time just asking, sometimes out loud, "What am I supposed to do now?"  What do you do when you come to the reality that things need to change?  How do you navigate such a massive shift when it seems impossible?

These are not easy questions.  But when I look over the list I started with here, all those things that can hold us back, I know that change is better than staying chained to whatever holds us captive.

A life of freedom is worth the letting go, it's worth that first impossible step, it's worth falling and getting back up over and over again, it's worth the continued walking forward when you feel as if you are walking waist deep in molasses, it's worth the fear your cope with as you look at changing, you are worthy of freedom.

Gosh.  This is such a huge subject.  And I've learned so much.  But it is also so very personal.  I can only walk my journey.  I can only speak of my own experience.  And I know that every single human has their own journey and experience.  But learning to embrace freedom by releasing whatever is not conducive to growth and the liberty of your very soul will have such a profound effect on you and your entire life.

My journey to freedom began in the woods.  It was there that I found my strength.  That strength emboldened me to dive into yoga teacher training.  That training opened up all new facets of life, humanity, God, love, freedom, balance, self, history, that I had never seen before.  This will not be everybody's story but it is mine.  Delving deeper with yoga allowed me to escape my cage, it gave me the courage to try out my wings.

So, hi.  My name is Eli and I've been living in freedom for almost 8 months now.  I'm still learning.  This journey is not done.  Sometimes I still live small, forgetting how far I've come.  Sometimes I don't know where the next step leads.  Sometimes I doubt this entire journey.  Change is hard and apparently change doesn't ever end because it leads to growth which leads to more change which leads to more growth.  I get tired. Where my world used to be so small and I could easily control most things, my world is now so expansive and I realize that I control nothing.

 Until next time!

i know why the caged bird sings

I've a few decades under my belt.  I've the gray hair and and sun-aged skin.  I've had a broken heart.  Life has given me lessons not learned any other way but with time.

I don't want to ever feel regret for things I've chosen, thinking if I had done it differently maybe things would be...better?  No.  There isn't really room in a lifetime for regret.  Rather, acknowledge what was, what happened and appreciate whatever came of it, what growth was realized only through the journey.

For a long time I lived with the desire to please others, to gain acceptance.  I had been trained and conditioned with the idea that if I dressed their way and spoke their way, I'd be welcomed into the fold.  Being welcomed in meant belonging.  It meant I was doing things right.

In some circles there is heavy importance placed on image.  Upholding an image is a 24 hour a day task.  It gets to be that the line between what is real and what is not becomes so blurred that a person can forget altogether where they began.  But so long as they continue to appear just so, they'll continue to be accepted.

I guess where this can get really annoying is when people will convince you that the very behavior it takes to win their approval is the same behavior it takes to win God's approval.  For so long, I thought I had to wear a skirt to be loved by God.  I thought I needed to have my hair fixed, my face fixed up.  I thought I had to say the right words.  Looking back I know I wasted so much time and energy.  Just wasted.  But no regret, remember?  Only a lesson.

It is a cage that a person builds around themselves.  The bars of the cage offer security.  You live by the rules of the cage and the cage keeps you safe.  It is a simple life.  The view never changes.  No storms come to meet you in the cage.  And the other birds in the cage look just like you, same feathers, same wings.  Everybody sings the same song.  Nobody notices that it is a mournful song.  A song of longing.

Oh sure, you've seen some birds outside the cage but you are thankful that you're not one of them.  You fit in here, on the inside.  Maybe if  you are paying attention you'll notice that the cage door is always left open but you know you'd never leave, you've been told about the birds that leave, how they are met with certain death.  Silly birds, thinking they can leave and fly off somewhere.  It's not safe out there.

But you guys, birds are not meant to live in cages and neither are we!  We were meant to soar on warm waves of wind with these wings built for flight.  We are not meant to build walls around ourselves and our "birds of a feather" and stay safely confined.  Smash the walls, bust the cage and live FREE.  

Gosh, flying free is so much different than those years of being cooped up in a cage.  I'm still learning how to do it.  Here is where regret becomes a sticky subject.  It is easy to regret the time I spent, feeling as if I wasted so long being confined.  But I have to remember that I'm only to this point in my life and experience because of what I've lived.  I can't regret experience.  But the one thing I do regret and will regret always is that what I believe of God and how to relate to Him has been so influenced by my view through the bars of a cage, by the song the other birds were singing.  What I mean is, I spent a lot of years hearing opinions about God.  I spent a lot of time listening to the thoughts of man.  And those thoughts had come about from the opinion of somebody before.  And the whole mess of it gets shaken up with opinion and judgement and out comes some sort of product that is packaged to look like God but in fact is so far removed that it just becomes nonsense.

I'm trying to learn how to strip away years and years of indoctrination, down past opinions, down past traditions to the beginning.  To God.  And that is all.  No more.  No less.

I'm not looking for religion.  I'm not looking for old-fashioned traditions.  I'm not looking for a group to align with.  Because maybe this is only between me and God.  It's cool, He knows me, we go way back.  But looking forward, I feel like we've got some ground to cover.  And I can only take one step at a time.

So, if you wonder why I've changed, here's part of it.  This isn't new.  I've been working on this for years but freedom from the cage has given me my voice.

It's really difficult to put all this into the open, mostly because I know the rehearsed lines of my friends inside the cage.  I know what you say to people who don't go to church.  I know how you treat people who have "fallen to the wayside".  There is pity.  There is judgement.  There is opinion.  And all of those things are going to swirl about and people are going to think what they will.  But it is not the approval of people I'm seeking anymore.  I'm going to let you have your opinions and your judgement if that is what you need.  I can't live in that cage anymore.

I can't live in the cage when I know what freedom feels like under my wings.