you got this, keep going

Every Monday night I sleep horribly.  I wake through the night in the midst of dreams that have me tied in knots.  Most of the dreams revolve around my Tuesday morning yoga class at the gym.  Nothing is wrong with this class, I enjoy teaching it.  But in my dreams I oversleep, waking at 6:55 for the 7 a.m. class, or I get to class and the sound system is down for whatever reason, or something else is malfunctioning and it causes my class to be delayed.

This poor sleep has been going on for 2 months now, as long as I have been teaching but it doesn't happen on any other night or before any other class.  Just Monday night, preparing for Tuesday.  Add to this a puppy dog who woke in the middle of the night with an upset stomach and needed some extra care.

I know the cause of the poor sleep: underlying anxiety and fear of failure.  That anxiety is a recurring theme for me recently.  I took so many strides over the last little while, stepping into FREEDOM from fears that held me captive.  But dang, this anxiety grips me, freezes me almost.  I do feel as if it is self inflicted anxiety just because I am trying to balance so many different things at once and at times it feels impossible, foolish almost, to expect that it is not going to crash down around me.

Balance is going to come into play here as I learn to find a way to bring my life into balance with all the new things I have taken on.  I chuckle just now as I remember that my word for 2019 is, in fact, HARMONY.

What I need to learn is how to limit distraction, how to focus on what is important, to dedicate just a portion of the day to my work, and remembering to set aside work and the to-do list to allow time to BE, to LIVE.  I get all tied up in knots trying to do this and that and back to this and over to the other thing that I'm just chasing my own tail.

Of course, grace must be given as I am still learning and growing in much of what I'm doing.  I just need to allow for the growing pains, to feel the feels, to know that I am not actually superhuman.

Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see,it is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly, "You got this.  Keep going."   

the end of a thing

The rain is falling from a dark sky.  I'm home alone save for my dog of course.  Everybody is at work except me.  That's not all the way true because I do a lot of my work at home: editing photos, creating sequences for yoga classes, and planning out private yoga sessions.  And always the normal housework and chores that happen in any house so even when I'm not AT work, chances are, I am working.

It was an emotional weekend and just today feels like life is back.  Emotional because after 9 years of wrestling, our youngest son wrestled his last and final match.  He participated in our state tournament which was huge this year, 2500 participants.  He earned 7th place.

His final match was a doozy, for him, for us, for his coaches...mostly for him. So emotional.  He won the match but for a second after the final whistle he took a knee and just processed the moment.  The finality of it.  It was a moment heavy with the culmination of 9 years of practices, of tournaments, of blood and sweat, of heart, of passion, of determination. 

I wish is could put into words what wrestling has meant for this one.  Last year, when we sat in Seattle Children's Hospital with the prognosis of Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome (an extra electrical pathway in the heart that causes rapid heartbeat) hanging in the air, it was the thought that this could keep him from wrestling that bothered him most.  

Wrestling has given him a foot forward in life, in leadership skills, in tenacity, in inner strength.  And now he turns the page, leaving this behind and moving forward, always moving forward.  But it still hurts, the end of a thing.  The next chapter for him is working more, saving money, turning 18, and graduating high school.  It's a lot.  And it is happening fast.

In just six weeks we are taking our family vacation to Hawaii and we are all looking forward to being able to take some time to just BE.  To decompress.  To breathe.  To rest.  To play.  To be together.  It comes at the perfect time in so many ways.

I could go on but I think it's time to close.  I'm going to sneak some banana bread into the oven and get a soup simmering on the stove to stave off this dreary rain.

Until next time!

crazy kool aid

I'm sitting down to a steaming mug of honey-lavender tea.  It is late afternoon and the sun is low in the sky.  There are so many words that constantly swirl about in my mind but when I sit here in front of the screen, that blinking cursor befuddles me.

It does seem as if what I have written in my blog or what I speak of on social media and even in-person all has the same theme.  This is where my life is at the moment.  My heart is filled with thankfulness for the growth I have experienced in the last little while.  It overflows in conversation, it overflows into everything and I just can't hold it in.  I keep a personal journal and even there the common theme is joy and thanks.

There was a moment of truth where I realized I had to LET GO to be free and ever since that moment there has been so much goodness that has flooded over me and through me.  It's like everyday I'm given this gift and the joy comes and my heart smiles and I love people and I smile at them and they smile back.  When I let go the good things started happening, from little subtle things to gigantic overt things.

And I know that these changes may not make sense to some.  I've heard some murmurings.  It could seem that I've gone off the deep end.  It could seem that I'm stepping away from everything I've known.  And in a way, I am.  I lived a long time in bondage to fear and tradition.  Now, I'm learning how to live in the freedom I was intended for, that everyone is intended for.  I'm learning yet.  Not arrived.  So while I work through this, trust that I'm not crazy and haven't started drinking the crazy Kool-Aid.

currently

Here are some things happening around here lately...

watching... I'm picky, soooo picky about watching anything.  Like really, really picky.  So...the safe bet is episodes of I Love Lucy.  And Fuller House (who doesn't love cheesy?).  And maybe once a week I'll catch Jeopardy.

cooking... I haven't cooked for four days.  FOUR!  But tonight I'm making a garlic parmesan pasta soup with salad.

eating...  lunch was takeout from the teriyaki place because both of my boys and I are home all day (rare occasion).  I had vegetable yakisoba.

drinking... all the water, all the coffee, and an Earl Grey Numi tea

calling... rarely

texting... in the last 4 days: Maria, Aaron, Austin, Molly, Dini, Blake, and Anna

doing... researching vaccines for international travel and weighing the pros and cons 

going... tomorrow night we are going to a wrestling dual.  The Senior wrestlers (my boy included) will be honored on this night, their last night to compete in their home gym.

loving... having my boys around, I know our time is short, so I cherish the noises and smells and sounds of their presence

wearing... comfy jeans and a sweatshirt, it's my only do-nothing day

discovering... this month I began a new yoga class at a local studio and I also began teaching a few classes per week at our local fitness center so in all of that I'm discovering new people, new yoga sequences, new waking schedules, new challenges, new accomplishments, and new growth

enjoying... thoroughly enjoying this life I get to live, the changes I've walked through in the last little while have brought me here.  I feel free.  I feel strong.  And I feel thankful.  

feeling... impatient excitement as we count down to our family vacation on Maui.  Sun, sand, and the aloha spirit have been calling since we left Kauai.  I can't wait to get back.

working...  I'm working on a yoga photography project, teaching yoga four times per week, and working 2 shifts per week at the restaurant.  In the in-betweens, I'm practicing a lot of yoga, creating sequences and playlists, keeping my house in order, planning our vacation, and in general, balancing a lot of to-do lists

listening... I listen to a lot of music as I craft playlists to accompany my yoga classes.  I create each playlist to follow the flow of a class, quiet and subdued in the beginning, building in energy into the middle, slowing and quieting toward the end, then a nice long savasana.  I'm building a collection that I can rotate through.

celebrating... over the weekend my youngest son won his 99th, 100th, 101st, and 102nd varsity wrestling matches.  This is a great accomplishment!!  To brag on my oldest son for a second:  he is a key carrier for Dick's Sporting Goods and is often the manager on duty.  He is responsible for managing the store, closing at the end of the day, counting down the money and making sure the numbers are right, getting the employees out safely and locking everything up.  He's 19.

smelling... diffusing orange, lemon, and eucalyptus oils today

thanking...  I've said it a lot lately...I'm so very thankful.

Until next time...

harmony

Eighteen days into this new year...

What has changed for you?

I know there are some who balk at choosing a word or phrase for the year.  But, what if it chooses you?  Last year, sometime in mid-summer, the word FREEDOM hit me upside the head and stayed close to my heart.  It was everywhere and always forefront in my thoughts.

On January 1st, the word HARMONY, found it's way to me.  I wasn't looking for it and I was a little sad to see my other word go.  Momentarily I even tried to hold on to it, but it had lost it's power and here was HARMONY staring me in the face, demanding I take notice.

Here's what HARMONY means for me:

Balance

Not a balancing act.

Nor, juggling to keep up with everything.

Rather, a balance that comes with surrender.  A balance that comes when what I think, say, and do are in line with each other.  Balance that comes when I live in full freedom while remaining grounded.  Balance in holding on and letting go.

As I've mentioned it is going to be quite the year around here.

Looking at what is in store, I know now that I needed the word HARMONY at the forefront of my mind to guide me through.

There is a lot of change expected in this year.  Change that is at once necessary, painful, and beautiful.  There are opportunities in this year to see and do things I/we have never done before.  There is opportunity for immense growth and learning.

All the while it is HARMONY that allows for the leaning into change.  It is that balance that knows when to hold tight and when to let go.  It isn't going to be easy, not at all.  But it is going to be worth it.  It is going to be so beautiful when we can look back at the colorful tapestry that was woven through our lives in these 365 days.

Out of clutter, find simplicity

From discord, find harmony

In the middle of difficulty lies opportunity

-Albert Einstein

incredible new year

Already and before we knew it, the year 2018 is drawing to a close.  Years do that now.  They come and they go and we barely have time to get in the habit of writing the new date on checks before it's time to learn a new year (if anybody still writes checks).

I went inward this year and in doing so I regained myself, lost somewhere along the way.  There has been a lot of reflection and soul searching.  Where this leads, I'm not really sure but I do know that I can't go back.  I'm different now.

I quit this year.  I quit needing to please other people.  I quit hiding beneath weakness.  I quit living caged.  And here I am stepping into this new year with my head held high, free to fly.  And I am truly FREE.  By leaving behind what was stagnant and oppressive, I made room for everything good that is coming.

There are some things that are going to happen in 2019.  I'm bursting out of my skin wanting to shout it all from the mountaintops.  But I also see the value in keeping it close to my heart and letting time reveal what it may.  Then I remember to trust my own judgement, when I'm not overthinking things I'm pretty good at knowing when the time is right.

So here is what is coming up:

The first week of January I'll begin teaching yoga.  This is a dream realized.  It didn't just fall into my lap though.  I worked for this and I'll only continue to learn and grow.

The second week of January I'll begin a photo project, creating the illustrations for a yoga teacher training manual.

That is just the first two weeks, you guys.  There is soooo much more.

And all of this because I made a silly list almost two years ago.  That list became my turning point.  It was where I stepped off into possibility.  It fed the fire of desire for freedom that was necessary to bring me to where I am now, on the precipice of one of the most incredible years of my life.

In all of this change and growth and freedom talk, maybe there would be inspiration for someone else to step out of the ridiculous cage.  This side of freedom is a beautiful place to live.  It would be a shame for me to have made this journey without offering my hand to somebody who feels stuck.

This is an incredible life.  And you are capable of so much more than you ever thought possible.  Don't settle.  Freedom is about being so truly, madly, and deeply attached to your own soul that you can't bear a life that doesn't honor it.

I'm here to encourage you to let go.  Let go and be free.

And happy new year to us all!

allow the light to shine

It's just not possible to put into words the growth I have experienced in my heart of hearts over the past 6 months.  I think I've done more growing and learning and expanding in this short time than over the past 5 years combined.  Just today, talking with my eldest son about this very thing, he said he could see the difference in me.  It is a visible change.  I am happy.  I am free.  And it has been a very long time, if ever, since I have felt this way.

I can't attribute this happiness to any one thing.  The growth just a natural effect of many changes I implemented in my life over the course of almost two years now.  But this summer especially, when I went hiking in the woods almost everyday, I regained perspective.  The bird song and the sunshine, the trees and insects, they helped me to untangle the mess of thoughts and emotions that were tangling me up like a trapped animal.  I met up with myself again somewhere on those trails.

Pursuing yoga teacher training has been a game changer too.  It pushed me outside of everything I've ever known, caused me to think outside the box, but also to delve deeply into the things I allow in my life.

Somewhere along the journey I realized that what you put out into the world, you get back.  In the way of karma or energy or just kindness.  This is subtle or blunt.  This is little  or big.  This is tangible and intangible.  Whatever the capacity it takes on, it has proven true over this last little bit for me.  The more good I emit, by way of a smile or an act of kindness, a compliment, or an act of pure service, these things find their way back to me time and time again.  But the thing is, I'm not thinking about what might return, I'm just so joy-filled and peaceful that what shines out of me tends to be the same.

I don't know how else to say it.  I'm truly happy.  I made life changes.  I implemented some things.  I decided to pursue joy and here I am living this amazing dream.  One day last week I had just the best day.  I completed a real estate photography session then went down to the marina and took photos just because they were pretty.  I went to a coffee shop to study for a while and that night I got to teach some yoga.  Like seriously, how could a day be better???

Recently, I had a choice to make.  Option #1 would be a good business decision, make me a little money and was really the expected choice.  Option #2 was a pure heart choice, led by a desire to give of myself without expectation of anything in return.  I rolled these options around for a week or two and went with option #2.  And you guys, it came back to me in the biggest way possible!!  I'll give more details at a later date but I'll tease you with this, I have to get a passport.

So, in short (or in long really), put all of your best into the world.  Give of your heart to the people around you.  Smile at strangers.  Be nice to animals.  Treat yourself well.  Love.  Live.  Enjoy the sunshine.  Just BE and allow light to shine through you.