reading... sort of reading Where'd You Go Bernadette
watching... a documentary show about wildlife in Australia and also "Outlander"
trying... to get organized. I've been purging my closet, organizing the pantry, sorting through paperwork. It seems that once I get some headway in one thing, 5 more tasks pop up. But I'm really motivated so hopefully I gain some ground.
baking... I made the best pear/zucchini bread. I tweaked the recipe by substituting some of the oil with a banana and also using a 1:3 ratio of coconut flour and white flour. It came together perfectly.
eating... tonight we are having baked chicken and wild rice and some sort of vegetable. We are at the point in life where I have to be careful the amount of food I make because sometimes it is just the 2 of us.
drinking... all the tea, hot and usually unsweetened unless I'm feeling froggy
doing... today I taught a yoga class of 1 student, ran errands all over town, grocery shopped, and took my Charlie pup to the park and the beach (he is currently comatose in his bed)
going... tomorrow I'm going to my favorite woods. It's supposed to rain so it ought to be awesome!
loving... being HOME. Spending a month in a foreign country made me realize without a doubt that I love my life here at home. I love driving my truck around with the music up too loud and the windows down and my dog in my lap, usually heading to the woods or the beach. I love my little house and my little family and my 3 old hens that aren't laying eggs currently
dreading... in one month my youngest son is packing up to head to college. Ugh. That's a kick in the gut.
enjoying... painting my nails. As a longtime nail-biter I rarely have nice nails but I've let them grow for three months and they look pretty dang good. Today's polish is called "ravishing gown"...it's an iridescent purple.
thinking... yesterday I came across some of my private journal entries from 2 years ago. I was in such a stuck place and it made me sad for that time where I felt helpless, unable or afraid to change. And I'm thankful for the transformational journey I've had since then and the freedom I've found.
feeling... hopeful for autumn, a new season that will bring some sure changes but also great opportunities
hoping for... my mom to have a successful surgery on her broken wrist. Success and quick recovery.
listening to... at this very moment Calvin Arsenia is singing "Back To You"
smelling... lavender, lemon, and ylang ylang
thankful... I'm thankful that I'll be adding a couple more yoga classes to my weekly schedule next month
considering... the release of expectation. Placing expectations on anything is a way we try to hold control, control we were never meant to have. Release expectations and allow things to be as they are. Save your strength to swim with the tide rather than fight against the current.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
thoughts on Indonesia
Did you like Indonesia?
I've heard this question many times in the two weeks since returning and I'm never sure exactly how to answer it. Truth be told, I liked aspects of it, such as: the people (they are kind and funny and welcoming and gracious), the impeccable service, the lack of road rage during insane traffic, the diversity, and the coffee so good that I am forever ruined.
Things I did not like: pollution (worst in the world), the language barrier, Dengue fever, heat, traffic
My world was expanded with this trip as I was immersed in another culture for a solid month, where before I possessed some narrow-mindedness concerning other groups of people with lifestyles and mindsets different than my own. Gosh, I've lived so small for so long in so many areas of my life.
Being a citizen of the US, born and raised on this soil without setting foot outside it's borders, I could never understand that the world outside of this country is capable and educated and strong and loving. Without realizing it, I had a very conceited world view, that being that the US is the greatest country in the world and that means we are the best in every thing we do and no other country or people could ever be equal to or better than us. Sheesh, so arrogant! I didn't know I was living with that mindset until I visited southeast Asia and had those beliefs knocked right out of my head.
What I learned is that human beings are human beings the world over. No matter the location or the style of clothing, the language, the social idiosyncrasies, the food culture, or the traditions. We all want to live a happy life full of love and family, to eat good food and do something with our time that is fulfilling. This is a world truth. The US does not have the monopoly on happiness, no matter what I always believed.
Back to those things I liked about Indonesia...
The people. I met some really great human beings and was so sad to leave them. They made me feel welcome in a place so foreign.
The impeccable service. Customer service is top notch in this country. Friendliness, helpfulness, attention, respect. I find that in the US I often feel as if I'm a nuisance to service industry staff but that was never the case in Indonesia.
The lack of road rage. Imagine chaos. Imagine movement everywhere. Imagine congestion. Imagine very loose road rules. Then plop a car in the middle and get from point A to point B without getting angry or impatient or rude. I witnessed this calm in the storm every single day as we had drivers everywhere we went.
The diversity. I mentioned this already but it bears repeating. The world is a big, beautiful, colorful canvas and I'm so thankful I got to witness it with a fresh perspective.
The coffee. Every coffee I had in Indonesia was smooth and strong. Crafted slowly and carefully. Presented with pride. Since I've been back home I've switched to tea. My taste buds are true coffee snobs now.
And a few words about the things I did not like about Indonesia...
The pollution. Ranked worst in the world, Jakarta rarely glimpses a blue sky. The air is constantly hazy and thick with unhealthy particulates. Add to that a serious litter and trash problem in most parts of the city. I was surprised that Bali, an island retreat and vacation destination also had a terrible trash issue.
The language barrier. I didn't realize this would be as big of an issue as it was. I often felt very alienated in groups of people or in public places. I was at a complete loss to communicate. Thankfully there are many Indonesians that do speak English and would sometimes take pity on me and translate mid conversation.
Dengue fever. This wasn't even on my radar but 12 days into my trip I began presenting symptoms of this disease that is spread through the bite of infectious mosquitoes. There is no medicine for it, no immunizations, no cure. I ended up in the hospital where I received IV fluids and blood tests to monitor my platelets. Dengue fever knocked me completely down for a full week and a few days more of weakness. But my victory song is that 2 weeks after my first symptoms I was climbing up the side of a volcano to view the sunset.
Heat. Jakarta was hot and sticky. Bali was not so bad. But it sure made me miss my mild PNW weather.
Traffic. Again, experiencing traffic in Asia made me long for my sleepy little island in Washington. We spent a lot of time just getting from here to there. So much car sitting. So many times I just closed my eyes and mindfully relaxed my tensed up muscles.
Forever I will hold this trip close to my heart. It was nothing like I'd expected, not like I'd planned but I firmly believe things happen on purpose to grow us or to expand us or to change us in some way. I'm thankful for all of it. The positive and the negative. Not the Dengue though. I'm really not thankful for that.
I've heard this question many times in the two weeks since returning and I'm never sure exactly how to answer it. Truth be told, I liked aspects of it, such as: the people (they are kind and funny and welcoming and gracious), the impeccable service, the lack of road rage during insane traffic, the diversity, and the coffee so good that I am forever ruined.
Things I did not like: pollution (worst in the world), the language barrier, Dengue fever, heat, traffic
My world was expanded with this trip as I was immersed in another culture for a solid month, where before I possessed some narrow-mindedness concerning other groups of people with lifestyles and mindsets different than my own. Gosh, I've lived so small for so long in so many areas of my life.
Being a citizen of the US, born and raised on this soil without setting foot outside it's borders, I could never understand that the world outside of this country is capable and educated and strong and loving. Without realizing it, I had a very conceited world view, that being that the US is the greatest country in the world and that means we are the best in every thing we do and no other country or people could ever be equal to or better than us. Sheesh, so arrogant! I didn't know I was living with that mindset until I visited southeast Asia and had those beliefs knocked right out of my head.
What I learned is that human beings are human beings the world over. No matter the location or the style of clothing, the language, the social idiosyncrasies, the food culture, or the traditions. We all want to live a happy life full of love and family, to eat good food and do something with our time that is fulfilling. This is a world truth. The US does not have the monopoly on happiness, no matter what I always believed.
Back to those things I liked about Indonesia...
The people. I met some really great human beings and was so sad to leave them. They made me feel welcome in a place so foreign.
The impeccable service. Customer service is top notch in this country. Friendliness, helpfulness, attention, respect. I find that in the US I often feel as if I'm a nuisance to service industry staff but that was never the case in Indonesia.
The lack of road rage. Imagine chaos. Imagine movement everywhere. Imagine congestion. Imagine very loose road rules. Then plop a car in the middle and get from point A to point B without getting angry or impatient or rude. I witnessed this calm in the storm every single day as we had drivers everywhere we went.
The diversity. I mentioned this already but it bears repeating. The world is a big, beautiful, colorful canvas and I'm so thankful I got to witness it with a fresh perspective.
The coffee. Every coffee I had in Indonesia was smooth and strong. Crafted slowly and carefully. Presented with pride. Since I've been back home I've switched to tea. My taste buds are true coffee snobs now.
And a few words about the things I did not like about Indonesia...
The pollution. Ranked worst in the world, Jakarta rarely glimpses a blue sky. The air is constantly hazy and thick with unhealthy particulates. Add to that a serious litter and trash problem in most parts of the city. I was surprised that Bali, an island retreat and vacation destination also had a terrible trash issue.
The language barrier. I didn't realize this would be as big of an issue as it was. I often felt very alienated in groups of people or in public places. I was at a complete loss to communicate. Thankfully there are many Indonesians that do speak English and would sometimes take pity on me and translate mid conversation.
Dengue fever. This wasn't even on my radar but 12 days into my trip I began presenting symptoms of this disease that is spread through the bite of infectious mosquitoes. There is no medicine for it, no immunizations, no cure. I ended up in the hospital where I received IV fluids and blood tests to monitor my platelets. Dengue fever knocked me completely down for a full week and a few days more of weakness. But my victory song is that 2 weeks after my first symptoms I was climbing up the side of a volcano to view the sunset.
Heat. Jakarta was hot and sticky. Bali was not so bad. But it sure made me miss my mild PNW weather.
Traffic. Again, experiencing traffic in Asia made me long for my sleepy little island in Washington. We spent a lot of time just getting from here to there. So much car sitting. So many times I just closed my eyes and mindfully relaxed my tensed up muscles.
Forever I will hold this trip close to my heart. It was nothing like I'd expected, not like I'd planned but I firmly believe things happen on purpose to grow us or to expand us or to change us in some way. I'm thankful for all of it. The positive and the negative. Not the Dengue though. I'm really not thankful for that.
Monday, July 1, 2019
necessary and unnecessary
T minus 4 days.
The big adventure begins.
I'm using this week to wrap up packing and doing all the necessary and probably unnecessary things before being gone for a month. Plus working at the restaurant all the days.
Necessary things a person does before leaving the country:
The big adventure begins.
I'm using this week to wrap up packing and doing all the necessary and probably unnecessary things before being gone for a month. Plus working at the restaurant all the days.
Necessary things a person does before leaving the country:
- locate passport
- pack reading material for the flight
- begin probiotics
- get the monthly bills paid
Unnecessary things I do before leaving the country:
- wash my truck
- order a case of toilet paper from Amazon
- order an air conditioner
- fill all the bird feeders
It's a big shift. It's a new experience. And I have every emotion about the whole thing. I'll miss my faithful little dog. I'll miss watching my chickens be their quirky chicken selves. I'll miss seeing the wildflowers take over my garden. I'll miss my hiking trails and my trees. I'll miss my guys.
But when I get sad or anxious about the leaving, I think about all the new things I'm going to experience. All the cool people I'm going to meet. This new country I've never seen.
Until then, I'm going to hike a couple more times, soaking in my happy place. I'm going to work three more shifts at the restaurant. I'm going to do more unnecessary things and I'm going to finish packing. And then we'll celebrate the birthday of this beautiful country.
Stay tuned for updates from Indonesia. I'll be posting on my Instagram and probably Facebook. And maybe I'll even write a little here.
Until next time!
Thursday, June 13, 2019
big adventure
It's hot where I'm headed. Daily temperatures in the mid 90's with the nights only cooling to the upper 70's. Humidity is high.
Jakarta, Indonesia is a city of 9.5 million people. 9.5 million. !!
This small town girl who has never been outside of the U.S is in for some culture shock.
I'm leaving behind my sleepy island in the upper left corner of America and flying across the ocean to Indonesia. I'm taking my camera and a million pairs of yoga pants. This will be my life while I'm there. Yoga and photography.
The purpose of the trip is to mentor in yoga teacher training. The same training that I went through over a period of 10 weeks last fall will be taught in 3 weeks. Long days. Long weeks. Lots of yoga. I look forward to what I will learn being exposed to the training for a second time but also sharing it and assisting others in their learning.
How will I grow and change as I am immersed in a new culture? I lived for 39 years with a very small view of the world. In my 40th year I was opened and expanded, growth beyond measure as I discovered a life of freedom. And now, entering my 41st year I get to experience something I would have thought was out of reach as I spend a month in Indonesia.
Yoga and photography. This was my dream. And in just 23 days I'll be on a plane across the ocean to my biggest adventure yet.
Stay tuned!
Thursday, May 30, 2019
worth living
To write about the things in my heart
To split myself wide open and let it all bleed out
To lay open all honesty and be perfectly transparent
To write clearly and concisely about what hurts, about what heals
This is the call of my heart. Yet I still find myself second-guessing.
I find that I harness the words, reigning them in before they even have a chance.
If I were to tell the whole story, releasing everything I've held in for years,
it may fall on deaf ears. Some people won't hear what doesn't agree with their thoughts.
So I keep some things close in, quietly working my way around and through until
I can grow through and beyond what has kept me hindered. It isn't necessary to lay bare
the truths about another is it? Maybe it is only necessary to pick up my pieces and move forward.
Let others believe what they will and bravely release my own binds.
I move forward because it is the only direction I can go. Forward, away from oppression. Forward, away from constriction. Forward, away from ego and false fronts. Forward, away from sugared words and flowery promises that cover over disease and bitterness.
Fear acts like a prison, erecting boundaries around us with the intention of keeping our world small, keeping us contained. That fear is embedded within a person so deeply that they fear leaving the boundaries. The fear governs every decision, controls every thought, keeping guard against every person or thing that may be without the walls.
My world was so small. Every bit of life I controlled and monitored and organized and coordinated by reason of fear, guarded from anything unfamiliar. A self-imposed prison.
Somehow light crept in.
And as I turned my face to the light, the fear receded little by little. As the light warmed my face, the walls came down bit by bit. Freedom and I embraced each other like old friends separated by time and distance.
Sometimes I get stuck, clinging to remnants of my fear. But freedom takes me by the hand and reminds me how far I've come, how much I've grown, how big and beautiful the world can be, if I just keep my face to the light.
Life used to feel monotonous and somber, constantly keeping everything in check, constantly controlling.
Now, life feels alive.
Life feels full of promise.
Life feels worth living and worth sharing.
To split myself wide open and let it all bleed out
To lay open all honesty and be perfectly transparent
To write clearly and concisely about what hurts, about what heals
This is the call of my heart. Yet I still find myself second-guessing.
I find that I harness the words, reigning them in before they even have a chance.
If I were to tell the whole story, releasing everything I've held in for years,
it may fall on deaf ears. Some people won't hear what doesn't agree with their thoughts.
So I keep some things close in, quietly working my way around and through until
I can grow through and beyond what has kept me hindered. It isn't necessary to lay bare
the truths about another is it? Maybe it is only necessary to pick up my pieces and move forward.
Let others believe what they will and bravely release my own binds.
I move forward because it is the only direction I can go. Forward, away from oppression. Forward, away from constriction. Forward, away from ego and false fronts. Forward, away from sugared words and flowery promises that cover over disease and bitterness.
Fear acts like a prison, erecting boundaries around us with the intention of keeping our world small, keeping us contained. That fear is embedded within a person so deeply that they fear leaving the boundaries. The fear governs every decision, controls every thought, keeping guard against every person or thing that may be without the walls.
My world was so small. Every bit of life I controlled and monitored and organized and coordinated by reason of fear, guarded from anything unfamiliar. A self-imposed prison.
Somehow light crept in.
And as I turned my face to the light, the fear receded little by little. As the light warmed my face, the walls came down bit by bit. Freedom and I embraced each other like old friends separated by time and distance.
Sometimes I get stuck, clinging to remnants of my fear. But freedom takes me by the hand and reminds me how far I've come, how much I've grown, how big and beautiful the world can be, if I just keep my face to the light.
Life used to feel monotonous and somber, constantly keeping everything in check, constantly controlling.
Now, life feels alive.
Life feels full of promise.
Life feels worth living and worth sharing.
Tuesday, May 14, 2019
currently
watching... American Idol. I'm a sucker for this show ; ) I don't care who wins, they are all talented.
cooking... M&M bars, and for dinner: pork chops, scalloped potatoes, and brussels sprouts
eating... leftover chicken enchiladas for lunch
drinking... since it isn't winter anymore I make a lot of iced tea. Starting with black tea I'll usually add some green tea or some fancy variety along with lots of fresh mint leaves.
doing... sitting under a blanket with my dog, trying to stave off the chill of this droopy day
going... to my first yoga festival this weekend!! So much fun stuff! I'm signed up for things like aerial yoga and hula hooping.
loving... I made a feather mobile with feathers I've collected over the last few years. For me, feathers are a representation of freedom and I need all the reminders I can get to embrace that.
enjoying... the white and purple tulips my son gave me for Mother's Day. They are just blooming and are delicate and beautiful. My guys also gave me a necklace and earrings set that has lava beads that diffuse oils. I already wore them to work diffusing lavendar and the occasional scent immediately brought a calm to my mind.
thinking... I should actually get something productive done rather than writing a silly blog post
feeling... cozy with my pup
hoping... my tourist Visa application goes through without a hitch. I'm going to Indonesia in 6 weeks!!
listening... A "Calm Vibes" playlist on Spotify, which turns out to be mostly some chill piano
celebrating... Can we celebrate Tuesday? I like Tuesdays. They aren't Monday and they are early enough in the week that there is still so much innate potential.
smelling... lavendar, lemon, and rosemary in the diffuser
thankful... Yes.
Monday, May 6, 2019
does Truth
I spent so many years striving to be better, to perform the requirements to be accepted. When you want to belong you will do whatever it takes. My heart was there. I wanted to do right, be right, be worthy. Little did I know that I was already worthy. You don't have to perform to gain worthiness, to gain love. True love isn't conditional.
Since I stepped away from the things/beliefs that held me captive I have lived in freedom. This freedom is not permission to act how ever I want, it is not an absence of morals or an absence of faith. The freedom is in knowing that who I am is not an accident. My strengths, weaknesses, ideas, interests, passions, these are part of me and not something to be stomped out to whittle me into an approved shape.
I'm different then I used to be. Where once I was an unsure, weak, timid, and afraid I am now confident, strong, bold, and free. I see it. I feel it. It is in my thoughts. Others see it. But it isn't easy. Well, it is, and it isn't. It is easy to live in freedom, to have stepped fully into my authentic self. The hard part comes when all these old habits, old thoughts come creeping in. They take me unaware sometimes and I find myself slipping backwards, into that darkness. But I have to tell you, I'm more aware of the light I'm living in now then I ever was before.
How do you explain this to someone who has not experienced it, I'm not sure. I know where I was. I felt oppressed. I felt trapped. I felt stuck. I felt like a fake. And now, since I let go and stepped forward I feel like I'm finally in the sunshine. No longer trapped. But let me reiterate, I know how hard the struggle is. I know the fight within trying to release everything you ever thought was right, releasing what you had held so tightly to for so long. It's friggin hard. But it is a little less hard when I ask, does Truth cause a soul to feel oppressed? Does Truth cause a soul to feel trapped? Does Truth demand performance to gain worthiness? I have come to the conclusion that, no, it does not.
Since I stepped away from the things/beliefs that held me captive I have lived in freedom. This freedom is not permission to act how ever I want, it is not an absence of morals or an absence of faith. The freedom is in knowing that who I am is not an accident. My strengths, weaknesses, ideas, interests, passions, these are part of me and not something to be stomped out to whittle me into an approved shape.
I'm different then I used to be. Where once I was an unsure, weak, timid, and afraid I am now confident, strong, bold, and free. I see it. I feel it. It is in my thoughts. Others see it. But it isn't easy. Well, it is, and it isn't. It is easy to live in freedom, to have stepped fully into my authentic self. The hard part comes when all these old habits, old thoughts come creeping in. They take me unaware sometimes and I find myself slipping backwards, into that darkness. But I have to tell you, I'm more aware of the light I'm living in now then I ever was before.
How do you explain this to someone who has not experienced it, I'm not sure. I know where I was. I felt oppressed. I felt trapped. I felt stuck. I felt like a fake. And now, since I let go and stepped forward I feel like I'm finally in the sunshine. No longer trapped. But let me reiterate, I know how hard the struggle is. I know the fight within trying to release everything you ever thought was right, releasing what you had held so tightly to for so long. It's friggin hard. But it is a little less hard when I ask, does Truth cause a soul to feel oppressed? Does Truth cause a soul to feel trapped? Does Truth demand performance to gain worthiness? I have come to the conclusion that, no, it does not.
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