reflecting

When my journey to freedom began I wrote in my journal, words from a broken heart, words that held hope and purpose.  When I read these words I can feel the determination, the moment where I felt the power in my hands to release, to simply let go, and move forward.

I have the freedom to live in my skin, to live fully and beautifully.  I am not a mistake, an accident, a mess, a flaw, a disaster, a pile of filthy rags.  I am wonderfully planned and put together.  I am a beam of warm light.  I am a friend, a strength, a vulnerable human.  I am here now and I won't live ashamed anymore.  There is power in my veins and purpose in my heartbeat.  I won't waste another breath on vanity.  Accept what is, embrace it, and release what is not.  Release fake.  Release lies. Release opinions.  Release negativity.  Here I am.  Whole.  Love. Light.

But I reflect back on the environment that caused me to believe those things, that I was anything less than an incredible creation and I grieve.  I was repeatedly told that we as a whole are dirty and rotten and there is nothing good in us.  I was told that I couldn't ever trust my emotions, that they lie and are evil.  I was told that I needed to separate myself from anyone outside the circle, guarded, wary, suspicious even.  And I believed it.

What I know now is that we as a whole are human, we fall, we learn, we grow, we create, we love.  I know now that emotions are built in tools that the body uses to survive, to adapt, to communicate and it would do us well to notice them and interpret what they are trying to tell us.  I know now that I am one of billions of people and most every human I have the opportunity to meet has something I can connect with, can grow from, or I have something to offer them, if nothing but simple kindness.

This is only my story.  This is my journey.  I can't speak for others because we are all unique and must walk our unique paths.  I refrain from details/locations/names/specifics because I'm not out to tear anyone or anything down.  Just understand that freedom is within your reach, no matter what you are being held captive by.  It takes an immense amount of bravery to realize your cage and find your way to the open sky but it can be done.  Let go and be free.

in love with living

Life.  I'm just so wildly in love with living.  With my beating heart and breathing lungs.  With experience and growth.  With loving and being loved.

Living hurts.  I won't deny that fact.  There are parts of this life that can just suck.  There are the doubts we wrestle with in our own minds that weigh us down.  There are harsh words or crappy people.  There are the moments where change happens and even though the change is good, you know life will never be the same from then on.  Growth can be painful.  And sometimes, just sometimes, unfair things, the things you didn't ask for, the things you can't explain, those things just happen.

Life is utterly beautiful.  When we can live our lives from a point of gratitude, noticing the little gifts, the precious little moments, then the beauty just unfolds in front of us.  Beauty isn't always colorful and neat and perfectly aligned. It could be the beauty within tears as your heart spills emotion that proves you love and are loved.

I am grateful for my life, the very act of being alive, the aliveness that comes from outside of my power, that is sustained by grace.  But I'm also grateful for the life that is mine as a product of my own courage.

I'm grateful for the life that is mine as a product of my own courage.

There was a time I just existed, content with status quo, believing that what I could see of the world must be all there was, sure that I had all things sorted.  But something inside me stirred, a little spark of something more, a seed of longing.  I stifled it, stuffed it down inside with fear.  I was afraid of change, uncertain how to even navigate through.  I was afraid of causing a stir amongst people, of being judged, of becoming someone people talk about with a shake of the head and a look of contempt.

As time passed I only grew more uneasy, sick to my stomach as I tried to keep on keeping on, holding up the lifestyle I was repeatedly told was the only way.  It was at this time that I took on a job.  A real job, in an office with business attire, a 9 to 5.  It wasn't long till I began to feel the toxicity of the environment.  I was charged with a large task within that job that became mundane and tedious and the toxicity continued.  I spiraled into a depression as I tried to uphold what was quickly caving in over my head.

I clawed for a way out, desperate for some sliver of hope that this wasn't all life held.  Every day I went through the motions.  Just surviving.  Just looking for a way out.  I poured my heart out in my journal.  Words from a broken heart.  Words begging for change but not knowing or understanding where that change would come from.

What I didn't know then was that the change would come from within me.

The change would come from within me.

There was a moment where I knew that for anything to happen, I was going to have go after it.  I made a list on little yellow notepad of all the things I was passionate about, the things that made me happy, the things I was good at and wanted to pursue more of.  Bit by bit, I sought ways to build those things into my life.

Then I started to let go.  Each step forward, each act of courage, I let go, just a little, of toxicity.  I let go, just a little, of expectation.  I let go, just a little, of pride.  I let go, just a little, of fear.  And that change, that change that boiled up from the deepest part of me began to manifest.

Where I am at this very moment has a great deal to do with my own courage.  Because I had the courage to step forward into the unknown, to release what I had held onto for so long, I slowly uncovered freedom.  I didn't create the freedom, but I stepped into what had been there from the beginning, what was always meant for me.

I stepped into what had been there from the beginning, what was always meant for me.

We are meant for freedom, not to be held down by self made rules and traditions, not to be held back by fear, not to be stunted in life by thinking we have some enlightened intelligence and can discern and judge the world and life itself.  We are meant to soar and thrive and grow and flourish and live and feel and love and BE FREE.