worth living

To write about the things in my heart
To split myself wide open and let it all bleed out
To lay open all honesty and be perfectly transparent
To write clearly and concisely about what hurts, about what heals

This is the call of my heart.  Yet I still find myself second-guessing.
I find that I harness the words, reigning them in before they even have a chance.
If I were to tell the whole story, releasing everything I've held in for years,
it may fall on deaf ears.  Some people won't hear what doesn't agree with their thoughts.

So I keep some things close in, quietly working my way around and through until
I can grow through and beyond what has kept me hindered.  It isn't necessary to lay bare
the truths about another is it?  Maybe it is only necessary to pick up my pieces and move forward.
Let others believe what they will and bravely release my own binds.

I move forward because it is the only direction I can go.  Forward, away from oppression.  Forward, away from constriction.  Forward, away from ego and false fronts.  Forward, away from sugared words and flowery promises that cover over disease and bitterness.

Fear acts like a prison, erecting boundaries around us with the intention of keeping our world small, keeping us contained.  That fear is embedded within a person so deeply that they fear leaving the boundaries.  The fear governs every decision, controls every thought, keeping guard against every person or thing that may be without the walls.

My world was so small.  Every bit of life I controlled and monitored and organized and coordinated by reason of fear, guarded from anything unfamiliar.  A self-imposed prison.

Somehow light crept in.

And as I turned my face to the light, the fear receded little by little.  As the light warmed my face, the walls came down bit by bit.  Freedom and I embraced each other like old friends separated by time and distance.

Sometimes I get stuck, clinging to remnants of my fear.  But freedom takes me by the hand and reminds me how far I've come, how much I've grown, how big and beautiful the world can be, if I just keep my face to the light.

Life used to feel monotonous and somber, constantly keeping everything in check, constantly controlling.

Now, life feels alive.

Life feels full of promise.

Life feels worth living and worth sharing.

currently

watching...  American Idol.  I'm a sucker for this show ; )  I don't care who wins, they are all talented.

cooking...  M&M bars, and for dinner: pork chops, scalloped potatoes, and brussels sprouts

eating...  leftover chicken enchiladas for lunch

drinking...  since it isn't winter anymore I make a lot of iced tea.  Starting with black tea I'll usually add some green tea or some fancy variety along with lots of fresh mint leaves. 

doing...  sitting under a blanket with my dog, trying to stave off the chill of this droopy day

going...  to my first yoga festival this weekend!!  So much fun stuff!  I'm signed up for things like aerial yoga and hula hooping.   

loving...  I made a feather mobile with feathers I've collected over the last few years.  For me, feathers are a representation of freedom and I need all the reminders I can get to embrace that.

enjoying...  the white and purple tulips my son gave me for Mother's Day.  They are just blooming and are delicate and beautiful.  My guys also gave me a necklace and earrings set that has lava beads that diffuse oils.  I already wore them to work diffusing lavendar and the occasional scent immediately brought a calm to my mind.

thinking...  I should actually get something productive done rather than writing a silly blog post

feeling...  cozy with my pup

hoping...  my tourist Visa application goes through without a hitch.  I'm going to Indonesia in 6 weeks!!

listening...  A "Calm Vibes" playlist on Spotify, which turns out to be mostly some chill piano

celebrating... Can we celebrate Tuesday?  I like Tuesdays.  They aren't Monday and they are early enough in the week that there is still so much innate potential.

smelling...  lavendar, lemon, and rosemary in the diffuser

thankful...  Yes.  

does Truth

I spent so many years striving to be better, to perform the requirements to be accepted.  When you want to belong you will do whatever it takes.  My heart was there.  I wanted to do right, be right, be worthy.  Little did I know that I was already worthy.  You don't have to perform to gain worthiness, to gain love.  True love isn't conditional.

Since I stepped away from the things/beliefs that held me captive I have lived in freedom.  This freedom is not permission to act how ever I want, it is not an absence of morals or an absence of faith.  The freedom is in knowing that who I am is not an accident.  My strengths, weaknesses, ideas, interests, passions, these are part of me and not something to be stomped out to whittle me into an approved shape.

I'm different then I used to be.  Where once I was an unsure, weak, timid, and afraid I am now confident, strong, bold, and free.  I see it.  I feel it.  It is in my thoughts.  Others see it.  But it isn't easy.  Well, it is, and it isn't.  It is easy to live in freedom, to have stepped fully into my authentic self.  The hard part comes when all these old habits, old thoughts come creeping in.  They take me unaware sometimes and I find myself slipping backwards, into that darkness.  But I have to tell you, I'm more aware of the light I'm living in now then I ever was before.

How do you explain this to someone who has not experienced it, I'm not sure.  I know where I was.  I felt oppressed.  I felt trapped.  I felt stuck.  I felt like a fake.  And now, since I let go and stepped forward I feel like I'm finally in the sunshine.  No longer trapped.  But let me reiterate, I know how hard the struggle is.  I know the fight within trying to release everything you ever thought was right, releasing what you had held so tightly to for so long.  It's friggin hard.  But it is a little less hard when I ask, does Truth cause a soul to feel oppressed?  Does Truth cause a soul to feel trapped?  Does Truth demand performance to gain worthiness?  I have come to the conclusion that, no, it does not.