There was a time that I suffered from back pain on a daily basis. I spent days bent sideways because my back was so seized up that I couldn't lift into a full stand. Ibuprofen did nothing to ease the pain. Every morning I'd go to work and just tighten my jaw to make it through the day. I couldn't carry heavy things without extreme pain. I couldn't sit for long or stand. I couldn't run or jump. My body was stiff, my abilities were stifled. My mantra became "I can't".
I saw a "natural" chiropractor a couple of times. There was no relief and the visits seemed to exacerbate my pain. This doctor told me I'd be in the same pain as long as I worked the same job. The best she could do would be to minimize my suffering but there really wasn't much she could do.
I got in with a different chiropractor, the best one in our area. After a couple of visits my pain eased. She was able to release the tight muscles and realign my body and she taught me some things I could do at home. I saw her every three months and experienced that terrible back pain only occasionally. But it was better, I had some relief.
Even with relief, I began to suspect that there was something more I could do. I didn't want to be married to chiropractor visits for the rest of my life and I was still not feeling strong. I came to the conclusion that I needed to heal myself from the inside out. My body was my responsibility and I needed to take the reins and get myself stronger.
After seeing the chiropractor for a year I asked how she felt about yoga. She felt that yoga could definitely be beneficial to my back health and I began right away.
I was not new to yoga at this point but I'd not practiced in quite some time. A little side story, my first experience with yoga was at an athletic club where I worked in California. I received access to the equipment and classes for free. I had tried the kickboxing class and thought I might try this thing called yoga. Those first few classes made me feel so awkward, I remember the instructor correcting my alignment in down-dog repeatedly and I felt that I might never get the hang of it. I stuck it out and appreciated the calming effect that it had. Eventually I left my job there and we moved away. But I carried the tiny little flame of yoga deep, deep within.
When I returned to yoga in the hopes that I could help my back pain, I remember so vividly the first class and how my body just fell right into the rhythm. It rekindled the little flame, brought to remembrance the strength and health my body was capable of. I shed silent tears in those first few classes, not tears of pain or sadness, but because I was so moved by the power of the flame inside of me, by the power I could feel stirring to life.
It has been more than four years since my last chiropractor visit. I can run. I can jump. I can do a headstand. I'm stronger and more flexible than I've ever been. I'm confident in what I can do and accepting of the things I struggle with. I've learned to listen to my own body and respect it and treat it well.
Part of why I had so much pain in my lower back is because my body is just not symmetrical (not many bodies are) and it causes all of my alignment to be off. With the deep stretching and strengthening that yoga offers I have been able to keep the ligaments and muscles limber so they don't seize up. The muscles that support my back and my movements are also strengthened, carrying me every day with strength and a firm foundation.
My yoga is a journey. It uncovers my weakness and strengths. It exposes thoughts and emotions. It isn't an emptying of the mind as some would claim but a mindfulness and an awareness. As I practice, my walls are torn down. The walls that time and complacency erect, the walls that keep me from doing things I once thought impossible (like running!). My body's physical potential is unearthed and with it, my confidence.
I breathe now and I'm thankful for every breath. I'm thankful for this body, for what it does for me, and for how it cares for me. We get along now, this body and me. We carry each other.
And I'm thankful for yoga. Yoga taught me to love me and allowed me to find my flame.
No comments:
Post a Comment