you got this, keep going

Every Monday night I sleep horribly.  I wake through the night in the midst of dreams that have me tied in knots.  Most of the dreams revolve around my Tuesday morning yoga class at the gym.  Nothing is wrong with this class, I enjoy teaching it.  But in my dreams I oversleep, waking at 6:55 for the 7 a.m. class, or I get to class and the sound system is down for whatever reason, or something else is malfunctioning and it causes my class to be delayed.

This poor sleep has been going on for 2 months now, as long as I have been teaching but it doesn't happen on any other night or before any other class.  Just Monday night, preparing for Tuesday.  Add to this a puppy dog who woke in the middle of the night with an upset stomach and needed some extra care.

I know the cause of the poor sleep: underlying anxiety and fear of failure.  That anxiety is a recurring theme for me recently.  I took so many strides over the last little while, stepping into FREEDOM from fears that held me captive.  But dang, this anxiety grips me, freezes me almost.  I do feel as if it is self inflicted anxiety just because I am trying to balance so many different things at once and at times it feels impossible, foolish almost, to expect that it is not going to crash down around me.

Balance is going to come into play here as I learn to find a way to bring my life into balance with all the new things I have taken on.  I chuckle just now as I remember that my word for 2019 is, in fact, HARMONY.

What I need to learn is how to limit distraction, how to focus on what is important, to dedicate just a portion of the day to my work, and remembering to set aside work and the to-do list to allow time to BE, to LIVE.  I get all tied up in knots trying to do this and that and back to this and over to the other thing that I'm just chasing my own tail.

Of course, grace must be given as I am still learning and growing in much of what I'm doing.  I just need to allow for the growing pains, to feel the feels, to know that I am not actually superhuman.

Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see,it is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly, "You got this.  Keep going."   

the end of a thing

The rain is falling from a dark sky.  I'm home alone save for my dog of course.  Everybody is at work except me.  That's not all the way true because I do a lot of my work at home: editing photos, creating sequences for yoga classes, and planning out private yoga sessions.  And always the normal housework and chores that happen in any house so even when I'm not AT work, chances are, I am working.

It was an emotional weekend and just today feels like life is back.  Emotional because after 9 years of wrestling, our youngest son wrestled his last and final match.  He participated in our state tournament which was huge this year, 2500 participants.  He earned 7th place.

His final match was a doozy, for him, for us, for his coaches...mostly for him. So emotional.  He won the match but for a second after the final whistle he took a knee and just processed the moment.  The finality of it.  It was a moment heavy with the culmination of 9 years of practices, of tournaments, of blood and sweat, of heart, of passion, of determination. 

I wish is could put into words what wrestling has meant for this one.  Last year, when we sat in Seattle Children's Hospital with the prognosis of Wolff-Parkinson-White Syndrome (an extra electrical pathway in the heart that causes rapid heartbeat) hanging in the air, it was the thought that this could keep him from wrestling that bothered him most.  

Wrestling has given him a foot forward in life, in leadership skills, in tenacity, in inner strength.  And now he turns the page, leaving this behind and moving forward, always moving forward.  But it still hurts, the end of a thing.  The next chapter for him is working more, saving money, turning 18, and graduating high school.  It's a lot.  And it is happening fast.

In just six weeks we are taking our family vacation to Hawaii and we are all looking forward to being able to take some time to just BE.  To decompress.  To breathe.  To rest.  To play.  To be together.  It comes at the perfect time in so many ways.

I could go on but I think it's time to close.  I'm going to sneak some banana bread into the oven and get a soup simmering on the stove to stave off this dreary rain.

Until next time!