Each day, one foot in front of the other. Sometimes it's baby steps, sometimes it feels like leaps, and even sometimes it's slipping backward. Mostly, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm a 40 year old woman on the verge of an empty nest and I still don't know what I'm doing with my life. Does anyone ever know? Is it possible to know?
I feel like doctors probably know. The ones who graduated high school, went immediately to medical school. Did their time in residencies. Gained experience. Saved lives. They probably have it figured out. They have their medical insurance plans figured out. They have their retirement accounts figured out. There's a handle on life and they have a firm grip.
A lot has changed in my mind, in my heart, in my soul over the last little while. I often reflect back over the last 20 years of adulthood in this skin. There have been times I struggled so much, with myself, with the world. Other times that I just pasted on some fake façade to keep up appearances. Some things have been steady, some things have proven to be easily eroded away. And still I don't know that I'm any closer to having it figured out.
A year ago I opened a photography business. Why? Because I LOVE taking pictures. I LOVE finding beauty in things and sharing it. Over this year I have learned some things. When you add money into a passion it strips that passion of it's power. Photography is a competitive business of perfection. Clients will cancel at the last minute and never return your phone calls. The state, the county, the city all want a piece of the pie, even if it is a tiny crumb. Sometimes, you don't get paid. At all.
The business, if it shall remain, will be changing course. I vacillate between feeling like a quitter and also feeling empowered because I am willing to continue moving forward. Either way, I'm unsure of what this looks like, this new course. In the meantime, I'm going to continue taking pictures because it makes my soul happy, if for no other reason.
The changes continue. The need to accept what isn't working and move forward. Although sometimes that moving forward feels impossible because it is so easy to feel trapped. I've spent too long disillusioned, trying to fit the square peg in the round hole. I don't want to cover things up with flowery words. I want to uncover truth. I want to dig and find it and no longer just accept and repeat the approved vocabulary. I've seen the system. I've seen behind the curtain. And I think maybe there's a whole lot that is being missed. There's a whole lot that is purposefully overlooked. There's a whole lot that is covered over for ease. There's a whole lot that is said that isn't truth.
Ah, don't you love when someone speaks from the heart but veils the actual matter? That last paragraph was quite veiled but maybe someday I will feel brave enough to speak the whole matter. Until then, I'm going to keep going on long hikes in the woods to sort out my head, to clear the opinions from the facts. I'm tired of opinions, guys. That's a fact.
